We’re not ashamed to say it – for a few years now, we’ve had a fierce man-crush on itinerant sports columnist Norman Chad. A man who knows his poker, football, and how to piss off the wife, Chad is a regular on ESPN, and a quick google will turn up that his sports/comedy column has appeared in various newspapers across the country. Remember how Sports Illustrated gave Bill Scheft a front-of-the-book column a few years ago? It was an unmitigated disaster. We were pissed off and fire hate-mail to the mag when Chad wasn’t tabbed for that gig.
Recently, Chad and his thick mustache verbally sparred with Bob Costas of NBC sports, which prompted us to email Chad, and inquire about an interview. To our delight, he obliged.
Q: You just told us you spent 51 consecutive nights inside a casino. Dream or nightmare? Or both?
A: Normally, it is Utopia for me any time I step into a casino or a card room. But when you spend 16 hours a day 51 consecutive days in a casino, it has an odd effect — essentially, it removed every gambling instinct from my body, and I went nearly that entire time without so much as even sneezing near a roulette wheel.
Q: For a guy that’s about to get married in, oh, say, 8 months, what three pearls of wisdom can you offer?
A: Since I’m oh-for-the-20th century in terms of successful marriages, at this point I’ll simply have to defer to the wisdom of the late Milton Berle. He said that the three keys to a successful marriage were 91) don’t eat meat; (2) have a cigar every day and (3) retire to separate quarters.
Q: You and Bob Costas traded barbs last month. Have you kissed and made up? If you see him, will you talk trash? Most importantly, who wins in a steel cage match?
A: We can’t kiss and make up OR talk trash because we never see each other or speak with each other. In fact, if Bob saw me walking toward him on the street, I assume he would ignore me. And why shouldn’t he? It’s like Hertz vs. Avis, in the old days — why would Hertz ever even acknowledge Avis? THEY WERE HERTZ! Avis was the little guy trying to move up. I’m Avis, at best; probably closer to Earl Scheib or IHOP.
Q: Which is more of a sport: Bowling, golf, or cheerleading?
A: All I know is I would rather bowl than golf and I would rather watching bowling on TV than golf on TV. I don’t care how much ridicule I endure — bowling just strikes me right! Cheerleading? Geez. I just got back from Las Vegas, where their version of cheerleaders work a pole. You think I have any interest in a bunch of FSU co-eds?
Q: What is your favorite beer, and why?
A: It was Rolling Rock, forever, but they went and sold out to the evil empire that is Anheuser-Busch, which leaves me with Kahlua and the occasional glass of red wine.
Q: There are many, many gorgeous women in this world. You can invite three celebrity females to dinner. Who do you choose?
A: I only eat dinner with former wives or future wives.
Q: We’re in the midst of previewing the NFL season. Let’s hear your two Super Bowl teams.
A: 1. I never pick Super Bowl teams.
2. I’m still watching opening-round World Cup matches that I TiVoed.
How did you feel when ABC passed on you for Monday Night football in favor of old man Tony Kornheiser? Everybody knows TK and his penguin dance are so 1996.
A: ESPN did not pass on me — I’m sure they never considered me. As for Tony, I’m surprised ESPN didn’t hire someone to work the second half, because he’ll be asleep by then.