Surely you all remember last year’s drunken adulterous romp in the Metrodome stalls by two Iowa Hawkeye fans.
You know, the one where the church-going mother left her husband’s side for a trip to the john but instead ran into somebody named Ross (whose girlfriend also was attending the game) and began rut-rut-rutting away to an audience of cheering men’s room-goers.
Well, this fall the Golden Gophers christen their first on-campus football stadium since 1982 and any visitors looking to make some bad decisions in the shiny, new stalls* of TCF Bank Stadium will have to get tanked before the game at one of the designated tailgate zones.
Last week the University of Minnesota governing body voted to make the school one of three Big Ten institutions – the others being Michigan and Ohio State – to have a completely alcohol-free sporting digs.
State legislators deemed a previously-agreed upon arrangement in which only suiteholders could purchase booze elitist, and so the college’s president was faced with an all-or-nothing decision. Not wanting to sell firewater at the on-campus stadium, the president’s only option was to go dry.
This really is the best option, don’t you think? For one, even with alcohol sales forbidden inside the stadium, thirsty fans can load up outside. That way, the college’s 18-, 19-, and 20-year-old students can drain High Lifes with ease and without being discriminatingly turned away at any beer stands inside.
Secondly, we’re full bore into one of the worst economic crises this country has seen since the Great Depression. In eliminating liquor sales, accountants won’t have to deal with another boring category of earnings to calculate, ergo having more time for other endeavors. Like getting home in time to catch Adult Swim.
Forecasts projected $3-$3.5 million more earnings in the new outdoor stadium than in the Metrodome (where alcohol was sold). Those forecasts assumed that premium seats – 40 percent of all stadium revenues – would sell out, seats that once bore the promises of suds for sale.
â€œThirty-two of the 37 suites have been sold, Maturi said, and about 200 of the 250 indoor club seats. Suites cost $45,000 per season, and indoor club seats go for $3,000, which means at least $375,000 in premium seating remains unsold with two months left until opening day.€
That’s Minnesota AD Joel Maturi, said he is more concerned about lost suite sales than lost potential alcohol revenues. Suite buyers at the college’s football, basketball and hockey venues will now be compensated to an estimated tune of $1 million. Their prizes: price reductions and â€œitems of value offered to fans.€
They could start with condoms and a lawyer for the visiting side.
*The first five sexcapades are hepatitis free!