Drafting for the "All-American Basketball Alliance" Hoops League
By Jason McIntyre
The league, which makes the idea of the XFL seem as if it were hatched by Harvard scholars, wants 12 cities, but that will never happen. (The league, hopefully, will never happen.) But for fun, we had a “draft.” Four teams, seven players apiece.
The Big Lead
Coach: To ensure the team shoots free throws well – Drew, Brent, and Jon Barry. They were a package deal.
Bench: Jeff Boschee, Unknown (via Kansas). Mr. Basketball North Dakota 1998. A steal in the 6th round of this draft.
Bench: Shavlik Randolph, Unknown (via Duke). Just don’t bring your gayness on him, OK?
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Player/Coach: Stephen Douglas – If I had a team, I’d have to play.
G – Jimmer Fredette – BYU – Upstate New York represent! My brother tells me he’s going to lead the nation in scoring next year. Sounds about right.
G – Coby Karl – Boise State / D-League – Coach’s kids are always good to have.
F – Rob Kurz – Notre Dame / D-League – Found him on the D-League website.
F – Cole Aldrich – Kansas – He’s a projected first-rounder. Should clean up in the shitty white league.
C – Craig Forth – Syracuse – Saw him at Verizon a couple months ago. He’s still tall.
Bench: Steve Dagostino – The College of Saint Rose / Euroball – Had to take someone from my school.
Bench: John Bryant – Santa Clara / D-League – Found him on the D-League website.
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C – Matt Bonner – San Antonio Spurs
F – Brian Scalabrine – Boston Celtics
F – Chase Budinger – Houston Rockets
G – Mike Miller – Washington Wizards
G – Luke Walton – Los Angeles Lakers
Bench: Robert Swift – Currently Unemployed
Bench: Tim Pollitz – Miami Ohio (Graduate)
Drafting Philosophy: No need for speed or agility. Went for size and follicles that could frighten a small child.
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C – Luke Harangody – Notre Dame, such a jokester
F – James Gallagher – UNC, nice Irish kid
F – Ryan Kelly – Duke, good Irish kid (the enthused one at right)
G – Chris Quinn – 0.8 ppg w/ Nets, total gangster
G – Eric Devendorf – Currently being unapologetic somewhere
Bench: Travis Knight – Currently smoking something
Bench: Jack Haley’s towel – Currently waving something
Drafting Philosophy: It was absolutely essential to have a Cabbage Patch Kid from the Fighting Irish, a few disgraces who are actually Irish, and a dick.