Mets 3, Phillies 0: This isn’t funny and frankly, my hangover is not amused. Where the hell are the freaking Phillies? Not too long ago, more recent than I care to remember, I feared this lineup like McMahon feared 1998 Steve Austin. Are we really looking at a three night sweep at Citi Field that, when described strictly in runs, comes out to 16-0? Sounds like a shitty Ravens game. I’m horrified, offended and enraged. I implore the Philly faithful to feast on it hard until those crafty Fightins’ can locate their testicles.
Cardinals 8, Padres 3: Do you realize that even after yesterday’s loss, the Padres are 28-19? If you wanna get all ESPN, 28-19 is also known as the best record in the National League (cue gigantic machine unfastening itself and becoming a sports highlight monster)! This, this right here, proves that no one knows anything about anything. Well, except for Gammons, he rules. Does Kevin Towers observe San Diego’s current situation and cackle, weep or shrug his hairy shoulders? The safe guess … he just ordered two assorted chicken-mozz platters while preparing a regretful version of the electric slide. It’s good to be cashing Yankee checks.
Cubs 1, Dodgers 0: Ted Lilly threw seven scoreless innings and no one took a homeless dump on it. Remarkable shit. In a related story, Jeff Samardzija was spotted getting speared by Ronnie Lott game film. In an even more ridiculous development, a professional baseball team won a professional baseball game one-to-fucking-nothing at Wrigley Field.
Twins 8, Yankees 2 (NL pitcher involved): Not sure what to say about the Yanks-Twins tilt other than to note the excruciating exchange between Michael Kay and Kim Jones – “Now you should give it to him and throw it down his throat.” Apparently Jones has a needy penis. Even worse, Kay looks out for said penis. I’m without words. I trust whatever Scrabble word score you just created also comes with a sleeper hold. Please apply that hold now.
Reds 8, Pirates 2: I know they rolled the listless Bucs to do so, but 28-20 is the Reds best record at this point in the season since 2006. It’s also called first fucking place. Johnny Cueto pitched six scoreless innings that smelt dominant while Charlie Morton shit in his pajama feet. At least half of this depressing equation is standard procedure while the other half is … wait for it … no, wait for it … the first place Cincinnati Reds!
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