Weekly Top Five: Cash, Kobe, Umps & The Kid

Weekly Top Five: Cash, Kobe, Umps & The Kid


Weekly Top Five: Cash, Kobe, Umps & The Kid

Every week* The Sports Hernia and Cousins of Ron Mexico will recap the top five stories of the week. They are listed by importance, humor and relevance with a high degree of historical perspective in mind. Mostly, we’ll be reviewing the stuff TBL has run into the ground over the last few days, but sometimes a story slips through the cracks. Or some third reason allowing us to bring up something pointless.

1. Jason McIntyre Got Paid
CRM – And all I got was this stupid tuxedo. And I already spilled beer on it. Worst. Buyout. Ever.

TSH – Big week for The Big Lead. To celebrate Mr. McIntyre’s self-made millionaire moment, Stephen Douglas and I will be dropping Chipwiches into the comments section.

2. NBA Final(ly starts their Final)s
TSH – I’m rooting against the Lakers and it has absolutely nothing to do with Kobe and everything to do Pau Gasol’s face. Speaks volumes about my tardy appreciation for No. 24 and my strong distaste for basketball-playing snork-ostriches who frequently appear as though they are the victim of a brash anal intrusion (SFW).

CRM I love watching Gasol and Odom play together, but I want to play basketball like Rajon Rondo. He is an absolute joy. I just wonder where he goes or who comes to Boston to play with him in a few years when the Old Three are gone. In the meantime, I’ll just keep cooking my Rondo Pizzas.

3. Jim Joyce: Public Enemy #1
CRM – First of all, the people that sent death threats over this are idiots. So Galarraga doesn’t get on the special list of people that got really lucky for 27 straight batters. Life moves on. Surprisingly, Chris Douglas Roberts captured the new Jim Joyce meme best with a ton of good tweets about other major mistakes Joyce had made. And cheers for Galarraga and Joyce for both acting like adults.

TSH – It’s already been said plenty, but great moment before yesterday’s game. Didn’t know much about Armando Galarraga until this week, but wow, the guy is all class. If you haven’t begun rooting for him, I find you to be an unreasonable dickhead.

4. Junior Retires
CRM – Have I mentioned that I caught a Ken Griffey Jr. foul ball!? Its true. He was a lot of fun to watch play and he broke his wrist the same summer I did. He did it crashing into the wall making a great catch. I did it swinging on a goal post at the playground pretending I was dunking. 

TSH – Aside from his Upper Deck rookie card, Ken Griffey Jr. joyfully screaming at the bottom of the pile at home plate in Game 5 of the 1995 ALDS will be the lasting image of his career. Even Yankee fans reluctantly admit it was a cool, genuine moment:

[So what if the quality is worse than Double Dribble, it’s all about the memories]

5. Celebrity Deaths
CRM One last chance for people to pretend that they care about someone they didn’t actually know. When Verne Troyer dies I’m going to cry for hours as I watch him ride his scooter around naked and pee in the corner of the Surreal Life house. Why Verne! WHY!?

TSH My one question about Arnold Jackson’s death: Did Abraham do the eulogy?

Honorable Mention: Oak got jacked (had to be P-Jack) … a fucking hat!

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