Us Open: This Isn't the 2000 Tiger Woods

For a guy who crushed the field with a 15-stroke victory the last time the Open was played at Pebble in 2000, there are lots of unknowns for Tiger Woods entering his week.

For one, he was much, much thinner guy in 2000, commented a reporter during Robot Tiger’s Tuesday press conference. Tiger replied, “So I’m fat now?” Funny! Actually, I think that the reporter’s way of politely making an implication to his doctor, Anthony Galea, who is being charged for treating patients with performance-enhancing drugs, among others.

And what about Elin? “That’s none of your business,” he said icily. Um, awkward. So I guess questions about his alleged illegitimate child with alleged porn star mistress Devon James are off-limits. James alleges Tiger is the father of her nine-year-old son, Austin T. Woods, whose initial is a testament to the golfer who was the love her life. The self-described “Porn Queen” never had a DNA test to prove the allegation because “she knows he is the father of her son because he is the only African-American man she dated at that time.” All the evidence you need? Me too! [Update: He’s not the dad.]

Then there’s his injured neck, which forced him to withdraw from The Players last month. How’s that bulging dick, I mean bulging disc — excuse me, inflamed neck joint? It’s “better, no doubt,” but still gets “sore.”

And what about his game? Compared to Augusta, it’s “way different.” “I’ve played so much more since then,” Tiger said. Right. Let’s see – since The Masters, his record looks like this: MC, WD and T19 (woohoo!). But from what I’ve seen this week during his practice sessions, it’s been a mix. Some good, some bad — not that practice is a reliable determinant of his play in competition.

Tiger didn’t look too pleased hitting some tee shots in his Tuesday practice round. No word whether he unzipped his pants on the way to the ladies tees. Meanwhile, better reports on his game today — he was sticking them on the practice range. So that totally means he’s breaking the course record tomorrow.
So will Woods have the eye of the Tiger this week?

/shaking my magic 8 ball

Ask me on Saturday … if he makes the cut (which he will. Maybe.).

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