Weekly Top Five: World Cup, NBA Draft, Wimbledon, Jerry Seinfeld and Lady Gaga

Every week* The Sports Hernia and Cousins of Ron Mexico will recap the top five stories of the week. They are listed by importance, humor and relevance with a high degree of historical perspective in mind. Mostly, we’ll be reviewing the stuff TBL has run into the ground over the last few days, but sometimes a story slips through the cracks. Or some third reason allowing us to bring up something pointless.

1. World Cup – U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

CRM — Break out the vuvuzelas, we’re going to the round of 16! I was all alone in the commuter lounge of a college when Donovan put in the game winner on Wednesday. I ran across the room and slid into the corner. I still get goosebumps.

TSH — Ever since the Donovan goal I’ve been doing the Ric Flair strut and haven’t looked back. Wooooooooooooooo! On a related note, the New York Post remains utterly ridiculous. But thankfully since this is soccer, the announcers won’t be discussing the Landon/Bianca topic incessantly.

2. NBA Draft
CRM — I’m totally breaking out the John Wall dance at a wedding tomorrow. Also, let me say that I really like DeMarcus Cousins. The kid has really grown on me. Not that it mattes what I think. Also, congrats to CDR for his departure from New Jersey for greener jerseys.

TSH — David Stern getting booed never gets old. It just doesn’t. His smug, “I’m over here and you’re over there” reaction is even better. But I miss the charismatic Russ Granik. The guy was a walking celebration of spontaneity.

3. Strasburg Loses!
CRM — This guy stinks.

TSH — And he only went 1 for 2 at the plate. What a dick.

CRM — Seriously. I thought you had to be a certain age to be elected mayor of Fraud City.

4. The Longest Tennis Match Of All Time. OF ALL TIME!
TSH — According to Oliver Stone, the longest tennis match of all time was phonier than Giant Gonzalez’s muscle suit.

CRM — Best conspiracy theory ever – This was fixed to go long to get attention. I mean, it kind of makes sense, but this is Wimbledon. Next thing you know you’re going to tell me that Andre Agassi wore a wig and used meth. GTFO.

5. Jerry Seinfeld, Lady Gaga and Keith Hernandez
CRM — What a random group of people. The Mets just bring people together I guess. If on the week Eminem’s new album dropped you told me that Jerry Seinfeld would be the one to release the Lady Gaga diss track, I would have thought you were crazy.

TSH — Seinfeld’s appearance in the booth on SNY Wednesday night was such a joy I think it moved.

Honorable Mention:

Your mother’s got a body shop…. How’s the reception on your new iPhone, you trendy mofo?… Surprise – Grown Ups is going to suck… Not a surprise – It’ll probably be successful because that person over there and that one over there, well, they’re idiots. …  Almost forgot … a fucking hat!

*Yeah… every week. Right.

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