2010 Home Run Derby, Featuring Chris Berman & Oodles of Slump Talk
By Tim Ryan
Your other contestants? Hanley Ramirez, Corey Hart, Vernon Wells and … Chris Young. Chris Young! As one can quickly infer from this roster, the derby is becoming progressively weaker and less fun each year, not unlike the NBA’s slam dunk contest.
Next season, expect MLB’s wacky brain trust to completely revamp the event and instead have Brett Gardner and David Eckstein fired out of pitching machines in lieu of traditional juiced baseballs. Possibly little Jason Tyner too, if he isn’t that busy.
Tonight’s event will of course be guided by a disturbingly sweaty, wing sauce-fueled Chris Berman. You know what that entails. His catch phrases have been branded to your chest like one of Terry Funk’s many victims, so instead of reiterating what you already know, I present you with the Chris Berman “Dryer Sheet” Combover Attack:
For those who plan on watching the event in 3D – and we know there will be many – said broadcast will be carefully steered sans Berman. Dan Shulman, Nomar Garciaparra and Aaron Boone have the call for that special offering.