You’ve already heard the MVP, Cy Young and Rookie of The Year chatter, and probably even some Manager stuff too. But enough of that repetitive, recycled garble. It’s time for some midseason awards with a little teeth. Providing those fangs will of course be Cousins of Ron Mexico and The Sports Hernia.
Best Facial Hair
TSH – Carl Pavano’s mustache has enjoyed a nice ride thus far, as has Milwaukee’s John Axford. However, nothing on the planet compares to Corky Miller. He looks like Super Mario after a disturbing heel turn.
CRM - This has go to go to Sal Fasano.
Most Universally Offensive Hyperbole
CRM -Discussing Stephen Strasburg’s place as one of the greats before he ever threw a pitch. Having said that, he is awesome to behold!
TSH – Embarrassing announcer Hawk Harrelson’s recent remark of “one of the great players to ever play the game” following Andruw Jones launching his 400th career homer did it for me. It’ll be tough to top such diarrhea in the second half.
Underappreciated Baseball WAG
TSH – I already know what you’re thinking and you’re absolutely right. Johan Santana’s wife doesn’t get enough pub from the blogs or the mainstream media. Let’s try and change that in the second half.
CRM - I am interested in learning more about AJ Burnett’s wife, Karen. However, I don’t think any baseball WAG is under-appreciated.
Manager Most Likely to Enter Royal Rumble
CRM – Oswaldo Guillen, obviously. His twitter has proven that he’s insane. Well, I guess his many actions throughout his life also proved that. Point being, he’s crazy.
TSH – With Lou’s contract being up, it’s the natural next step. But I’m almost positive he’s already joined three fight clubs since mid-May. Tough to top that kind of aggression.
Player Most Likely to Enter Royal Rumble w/ Foreign Object
TSH – Diamond Dallas Braden. And he’ll use the foreign object when his feisty grandma distracts the ref Jimmy Hart style.
CRM – Carlos Zambrono. The man is unbalanced.
The Stephen Strasburg Award for Greatness in Pitching
TSH – Tough call between Doc, Ubaldo, Josh Johnson and Ian Snelling, but my vote is for Johnson. Johnson has been huge all season, consistently rising to the occasion with spirited vigor.
CRM – I suppose I shouldn’t say Strasburg or Josh Johnson. I’ll go with that Ubaldo Jimenez who has a ridiculous record. And years of watching baseball have told me that win-loss record is the proper way to judge a pitcher.
More Stunning Than a Steve Austin Stunner
TSH – Arthur Rhodes was named to the All-Star team. I repeat, Arthur Rhodes was named to the All-Star team. Seriously, Arthur Rhodes was named to the All-Star team. No, I’m not fucking with you, Arthur Rhodes was named to the All-Star team.
CRM – I honestly haven’t understood a single wrestling reference. Is that some sort of move?
Greatest Unsubstantiated Rumor
TSH – This is a no-brainer. Jayson Werth boning Mrs. Chase Utley. Yup, such boinkin’ fireworks will usually equate to third place and 4 1/2 games back. A shame, really.
CRM – Derek Sanderson Jeter, Alex Rodriguez and Tim Ryan all share the same stylist. It’s disgusting, I know.
The Nelson “Haha”
CRM - The Rockies coming back from something like a 20-run deficit in consecutive games against the Cards. What can I say? I love epic fail.
TSH – Jonathan Papelbon’s gut-wrenching blown saves, his 3-4 record and his uncharacteristically crappy ERA. Haha indeed, Nelson.
Outstanding But Rarely Hyped Names
TSH – Kansas City’s Alberto Callaspo and San Fran’s Pablo Sandoval should start their own version of Bartles & James. Anything bottled going by the name of Callaspo & Sandoval would fly off the shelves like wild geese.
CRM – Everyone on the Marlins not named Hanley.
[Corky screengrab via the great JSF]