Blue Jays 1, Rays 0: Poor Brandon Morrow, so close to throwing this year’s 901st no-hitter. Almost special, but not. One hit, 17 strikeouts and a couple walks. Outrageous. Giving up the no-no with two outs in the ninth is more upsetting than if Tom finally caught Jerry. Actually, if Tom captured Jerry, we’d all be screwed, including the Road Runner. Neither of them have been caught yet, right? Let’s just move on.
Yankees 7, Red Sox 2: Derek Jeter, one of the game’s weakest players – at least according to the statisticians – passed Babe Ruth on the all-time Yankee hit list. Yup, average player, mediocre range, pretty much forgettable. Frankly, if it wasn’t for his poon-dipping dong, he’d be just about worthless. Keep making love to FanGraphs, dipshits.
Phillies 6, Mets 5: Doc has been great, but if he gets the Cy Young, I might vomit. Seven innings, nine hits and five runs? Eh. Great pitcher, but Ubaldo’s been more consistent. Plus, Ubaldo doesn’t look like a Klopek.
Reds 11, Cubs 4: Joey Votto’s numbers are awesome. Isn’t he one of those guys with anxiety issues? MVP kind of year, especially when you consider the fact that the Cincinnati Reds are in first fucking place. By two games!
Athletics 3, Rangers 2: Colby Lewis defeated Trevor Cahill in a courageous battle of who-gives-a-rat-shit. The correct answer is, no one actually cared about this game except for the loved ones close to those playing.
Orioles 4, White Sox 3: Ok, this has been fun, it really has. But I’ve had just about enough of the Baltimore Orioles, Buck Showalter and winning. Speaking of Showalter, him and La Russa in a primp-off would do amazing ratings.
Padres 10, Diamondbacks 1: Matt Latos is 12-5 with a 2.36 ERA and a 0.99 WHIP. I would like to say I was smart enough to draft him (yes, fantasy baseball is more strategic than fantasy football) but I didn’t. Neither did you. We all deserve to feast on it. However, Latos will be taken eaaaarly next year and will finish with a 9-14 record. This is just how life works.