NFL

Weekly Top Five: Strasburg, Bautista and Tiger and Elin, Oh My!

Almost every week Stephen Douglas (CRM) and Tim Ryan (TSH) will take you on a journey through links and pictures related to the previous days. Sometimes, we’re too hungover or too-on-vacation to compile a post such as this. In that case you’ll go without it and be forced to use the previous page option to remember the big stories. This is not one of those weeks. Let’s chat.

1. Elin Speaks (and Tiger’s baaaaack)
TSH – Tiger shot a 65 yesterday. Is he back? Is he banging the snot out of everyone again? Will he give Rory McIlroy a much deserved atomic wedgie? Does he have a subscription to People magazine? The only man who can unearth this information is the great David Feherty. Let’s send him in.

CRM - Tiger or LeBron must always be on this list. That is not up for debate. If only Tiger would quit golf to pursue a career in badminton. I love how Tiger had his first really solid round in forever the day after his divorce was finalized. The “IS TIGER BACK!?” posts, articles and columns just wouldn’t have the same pizazz.

2. Tim Cowlishaw Announces Revis Will Sign
CRM – I just hope the Jets get this done so there aren’t any excuses when they finish 7-9 this season. If Revis isn’t there to shut down all the past-their-prime former All-Pros the Jets are going to face this season, well, that’s an excuse.

TSH – Poor Tim Cowlishaw was being bombarded on Twitter for an apology. Get over it. The rule, as always: Everyone’s an idiot.

3. UFC 118! Boxing Versus MMA! CRM Goes To Boston!
TSH – It’s assumed reality TV’s heavyweight champion of the world and Boston native, C.T. is a rabid fan of all things UFC. So your mission, Cousin Ron, is to challenge him to an arm wrestling match and get it on video. You can do it, buddy.

CRM – Multiple days of previews, weigh-ins, live cage-side coverage… Before this is all over, I’m going to make you all care about MMA. Arianny Celeste is going to help the cause by shooting the November cover of Playboy. Yes, I will be looking for an exclusive this weekend.

4. Jose Bautista Speculation for the Sole Reason of Speculating
CRM – I mean, come on. This guy (allegedly) is definitely (allegedly) on something, right? You don’t think anyone questioned me when I started dominating at Madden ’11? Of course, I was on PBR (allegedly). What did you think kept me from going outside and turning off the XBox for all those hours?

TSH – I wish I could find the clip from In Living Color where Damon Wayans says “stupposedly” and “rellegedly.” It would fit nicely right here.

5. Strasburg Back to the DL! To Get Tommy John Surgery!
TSH - This guy has been eulogized on Twitter all day. All the Strasburg violins need to be Belushi’d at once. He’s not dead, people, he’s just injured. Wake me when the Nationals are exciting again.

CRM – Greatest stint on the DL since Sandy Koufax had polio!

Honorable Mention
Jay Mariotti, a chivalrous, popular fellow … Simmons still hasn’t responded to CRM’s questions about ESPN … a little fun with Madden ’11 … Girardi to the Cubs! … a fucking statue for Bird Selig! … a fucking hat!

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This Week in Retarded Pictures of Snooki
If there were ever a time to use the term Pig-Snork, the time would be now.

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Query of the Week
So, Fun Dip, Razzles or Gobstoppers?

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