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Onion Bag: Bill Simmons Jinxes Tottenham, Arsene Wenger Sexes Up a French Rapper

The Magical Return: John Henry sent Fernando Torres a message. The Spaniard responded. Torres scored both goals in Liverpool’s 2-0 win over Chelsea at Anfield. It was their third-straight league win and it vaulted them into the top half of the Premier League table. For the new regime and new manager Roy Hodgson, it gives them the stability necessary to proceed with a sober head.

Though the moments were magical, those touting Torres’ return to form should be cautious. Neither finish was especially taxing. He took advantage of poor defending. Torres is putting in the effort. His commitment is there, but his movement still looks labored. He’s lacking his characteristic explosion. He needs a solid three-four months off to recover his legs. Liverpool can’t afford it.

Baled Out: Gareth Bale’s brilliant midweek effort in a 3-1 win over Inter Milan had pink hat Tottenham fan Bill Simmons atwitter. This weekend gave him a bitter dose of his adopted club’s ethos. Still celebrating their historic triumph, Spurs lost 4-2 away at Bolton. Their defense looked befuddled by basic through balls. Tottenham are forward-oriented and fearsome, but this match showed how to beat them. Attack incessantly with pace.

Arsene’s Sexy Time: A shirtless Newcastle fan danced in the aftermath of Newcastle’s 1-0 win over Arsenal. Apparently these weren’t the only plentiful tits bouncing in Arsene Wenger’s general vicinity. Assumed to be epicene, the 61-year-old Arsenal manager reportedly has been getting busy with 39-year-old French rapper Sonia Tatar. Mercifully, the Frenchman suffered no apparent injuries as he tumbled from his monumental high-horse. This should at least put those nasty pedophile chants to rest.

Chokehold: U.S. defender Oguchi Onyewu grabbed teammate Zlatan Ibrahimovic by the throat during an AC Milan training ground altercation. The incident began when the Swedish star took him out with a tackle. Onyewu has not appeared in a league match since joining the Italian giants in July 2009.

Historic Defeat: Mexico shocked the USWNT 2-1 on Friday, jeopardizing their qualification for the 2011 World Cup. The U.S. now needs to win the CONCACAF third-place playoff against Costa Rica and win a playoff against European fifth-place Italy. The U.S. had been 54-1-6 since the 2007 World Cup and had a 24-1-0 record against Mexico entering the match.

Goal of the Week: Roman Pavlyuchenko (Tottenham) vs. Bolton

[Photo via Getty, Me]

 

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