Peyton Hillis is, to my knowledge, without a nickname. My hope is that we can remedy that today. Up until yesterday, Wikipedia listed Hillis as the “The Albino Rhino” which is a nod to him being both very white and a rhinoceros. Personally, I don’t like it. That wasn’t the only nickname that someone bestowed upon Hillis’ Wiki…
Do I actually know the Browns fan that made that edit? Perhaps. That still doesn’t make it a good nickname. You’ll never see Peyton Hillis burst through the line for his second score of a fall afternoon and hear the announcer of Fox or CBS yell, “Thunder Cock takes it to the house!” We need something clean, but contemporary.
How about Peyton “Run To The” Hillis. I know what you’re thinking, too Chris Berman-ish. But think about the source material here. Iron Maiden is the band that Specer096 once called the greatest metal band of all time. OF ALL TIME.
Still, you might be right about that being something Chris Berman would come up with. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if Berman has used it previously in one of those incredibly pointless 2-Minute Drill segments. (Seriously, in the 24-hour news cycle, what is the point of rushing through the same highlights we’ve seen 100 times since Sunday afternoon? Just to add stupid “woop” and “zip” noises?)
So, to piggyback on something I alluded to in Lisk’s Power Rankings earlier this week, I submit that we call our new Cleveland hero, Peyton “Predator” Hillis. Allow Rex Kramer, Photoshop Master to give you a visual.
Blowing Something Up
Check out this demolition gone wrong in, you guessed it, Ohio.
This is the final week for FanDuel’s Fantasy Football Challenge and that’s probably for the best because of the new TBL Fantasy game. Last week, I had my best finish of the season ending up 29th out of 630 competitors.
Last Week: 6-7
Overall: 59 Correct – A Bunch Incorrect
Ravens (+1.5) over FALCONS
To quote Spencer for a second time in one post, “Flacco sucks.”
BILLS (-2.5) over Lions
No Matthew Stafford. This is the week, my friends. This is the Mister Falcon week the Bills get a win.
Vikings (-1.5) over BEARS
I can’t believe the Vikings won last week.
Jets (-3.5) over BROWNS
No matter what team you root for, you should be able to get behind this via @Scott Raab via Clown: ”TJ Ward says if I can get 1000 #Brownsfans to kick in $50 each for the fine, he’ll stomp Braylon’s balls into jelly on Sunday.”
Bengals (+7.5) over COLTS
So, Chad Ochocinco has made Terrell Owens better by playing on the other side of the ball.
JAGUARS (-1.5) over Texans
A few months back, Deadspin noted “Tremendous Johnson” on Madden. Now, we have our own great Madden name – “Tremendous Kiolbassa.”
DOLPHINS (+.5) over Titans
Randy Moss Experiment #3 – Commence! /throws deep ball
BUCS (-7.5) over Panthers
The Panthers are good at football 60% of the time, none of the time.
Chiefs (-.5) over BRONCOS
A battle for Pac-10 supremacy!
GIANTS (-13.5) over Cowboys
The Cowboys will always have hotter cheerleaders. They can rest their hats on that fact.
CARDINALS (-3.5) over Seahawks
This game looks ugly, but you don’t have to take my word for it: Travel to the future and watch this game. You’ll see. Its fucking ugly.
Rams (+5.5) over FORTY-NINERS
Sorry, this is a battle for Pac-10 supremacy.
STEELERS (-4.5) over Patriots
The winner is favored to take the AFC, but in a twist, I predict the loser actually represents the AFC in the Super Bowl. What a prediction!
Eagles (-3.5) over REDSKINS
There’s a narrative to this game, but it escapes me.
[Cheerleaders via Getty]