Do Not Taunt Happy Fun Bill
By Jason Lisk
Warning: Pregnant women, the elderly, and individuals with foot fetishes should avoid prolonged exposure to Happy Fun Bill.
Caution: Happy Fun Bill may keep his foot on the accelerator at dangerous speeds late in games if he feels provoked.
Discontinue talking through the press to Happy Fun Bill if any of the following occurs:
- itching
- vertical passing game deficiencies because of quarterback inaccuracy and wide receiver dropsies
- dizziness
- tingling in the toes
- loss of 40 or more points in previous meeting
- slurred speech by your overrated cornerback who will be targeted 30 times on Sunday
- temporary blindness
- profuse sweating
- or heart palpitations.
When not in use on a NFL sideline, Happy Fun Bill should be returned to his specially created cryogenic chamber. Failure to do so relieves the New England Patriots and the National Football League of any and all liability.
Happy Fun Bill’s inner core consists of an unknown green substance that fell to the Earth, presumably from outer space.
Do Not Taunt Happy Fun Bill.
[photo via Getty]