Each and every week, Stephen Douglas and I will recap some of the bigger stories from… the, uh… week. We’ve been very good about putting lots of thought (5 to 7 imaginary thought bubbles) and a hearty appetite (5 to 7 bowls of Pops) into this avalanche of a feature. Every time we post, the Super Mario Brothers theme song heroically plays. As always, please remember to take a Xanax or two before you commence typing in the comment box.
TSH – Major League Baseball has unofficially kicked off with the Albert Pujols contract drama, Miguel Cabrera back on the booze, and Joba the Gut. Bird Selig’s feathers are surely already ruffled and it’s not even March. That’s the first win of this young season.
CRM – I made sure to put a thousand dollars on the Marlins to win the World Series this year. I’m going to be rich!
2. NFL Labor Talks
TSH – When this crap is finally settled, are you doing the Merton Hanks chicken dance, Prime Time’s high-steppin’, Vai Sikahema’s box-the-goal-post routine, or somehow all three at once?
CRM – When I used to play football at recess, high-stepping like Prime Time was a favorite among all my friends. God, we must have looked like assholes out there. As for the labor talks, let’s cut the rookie wages and get back on the field. I can’t live without football and Chrissy Teigen will have nothing to pass out with a crock pot to.
3. Carmelo Anthony Trade Rumors, Again
TSH – The NBA trade deadline is less than a week away. I haven’t been this excited since the finale of Mind of The Married Man.
CRM – ‘Melo should stay in Denver. I’ve been to New Jersey. Its not that special. Besides, there’s no internet in the Izod Center. (That’s where the Nets play, right?) Well, it should be.
4. SI Swimsuit Cover Girl, Irina Shayk
TSH – Irina Shayk was part of one of the greatest “Guess That Ass” posts I’ve ever stumbled upon. Truly a flawless victory for everyone, except for all the women seething with jealousy while they grasp for flaws that aren’t there. Flaw. Less.
CRM – Sounds like a nice enough girl.
5. Jimmer! Stephen!
TSH – Stephen Douglas was in Vegas for most of the week covering the 2011 SI Swimsuit issue and did a fantastic job staying coherent enough to give us thorough reports of his experiences. He also received multiple helpings of fashion feedback from an impromptu, enthusiastic focus group, otherwise known as the internet.
CRM – Shut up. All of you. My mother says I look handsome. By the way, Brooklyn and Chrissy are both standing on chairs in those pictures.
This Week in Retarded Pictures of Snooki
TSH – Snooki’s new line of slippers are supposedly lined with beef jerky so that, once combined with foot smell, it will give off a pleasant Beef Curtain stench.
The Return of The Doctor