Each and every week, Tim Ryan and I will recap some of the bigger stories from… the, uh… week. We’ve been very good about putting lots of thought (5 to 7 eyebrow raises) and a hearty appetite (5 to 7 ) into this avalanche of a feature. Every time we post, the Super Mario Brothers theme song heroically plays. As always, please remember to remove your Jimmer onesie before taking a dump the comment box. No, Stephen didn’t write this.
1. Charlie Sheen, WINNING
TSH -– Charlie Sheen’s recent stranglehold on the entertainment industry even has the sports world at its knees. In an era where disgraceful, inconsiderate and destructive are considered hilarious, unbelievable traits, Charlie Sheen is lapping the field so badly he’s porking it from behind.
CRM -– Check the math bro. Charlie Sheen’s success rate is 100%. His rant? The most metal thing I’ve ever heard. He is early Metallica. Listening to that phone call is like mainlining Four Loko. These fingers? *looks at fingers* There’s poetry in here.
2. NBA Trade Deadline Madness!
CRM -– OKC didn’t need to get better, they needed to get bigger and tougher. I’m not sure how good Kendrick Perkins will be without Kevin Garnett screaming and scowling behind him, but he and Mohammed add much needed size to the Oklahoma City front court. Boston is obviously looking towards the future which I’m sure pisses off KG something fierce.
TSH -– I haven’t been this flabbergasted over the NBA trade deadline since Peter Vecsey was accidentally traded to the Sacramento Bee.
3. White Guys Dunking
TSH -– Somewhere in Oklahoma City, Scotty Brooks says, “Oh they did? Well fuck them anyway.”
CRM -– We are also 1/3 white guys dunking.
4. NBA All-Star Game
TSH -– The greatest NBA All-Star moment was in 1992 when Magic Johnson, just three months after being diagnosed with HIV, hit a dramatic three-pointer — seriously, chills every time — with 27 seconds left. The game ended right there, as only a seasoned jackass would’ve considered hoisting up another shot after that moment. This year’s game? Eh.
CRM -– Always the most fun all-star game. Especially, when the competitiveness takes over the in the 4th.
CRM – Chris Bosh played the wrong sport.
TSH -– Ladybugs sold more respectable flops than that embarrassment.
Snooki is gross of the week
TSH — Snooki’s hand smells like deep fried beef curtaisns.
CRM — Award winning.
Welcome Home, ‘Melo
Query of the Week: If you were a hot dog would you eat yourself?