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Weekly Top Five: Brandon Davies, Charlie Sheen, NFL, and the Fightin' Cubs

Each and every week, Stephen Douglas and I will recap some of the bigger stories from… the, uh… week. We’ve been very good about putting lots of brainpower (5 to 7 imaginary thought bubbles) and a hearty appetite (5 to 7 Pringles) into this avalanche of a feature. Every time we post, John Tesh passionately air dribbles. As always, please remember to take a Xanax before typing in the comment box.

1. BYU, Brandon Davies
TSH – The Brandon Davies suspension was disappointing, as is the harrowing content in the BYU honor code, but his absence only puts more pressure on Jimmer. Jimmer thrives on pressure. Jimmer craves the big game. Jimmer’s gettin’ sweet on a Final Four appearance.

CRM - I still can’t deal with this. I still feel lost. I’m a soul in search of an answer.

2. Charlie Sheen

TSH - Chuck channeled Allen Iverson, thus giving us an excuse to include him in the Top 5. With all the Sheen exposure over the last several days, I’ve found myself wondering aloud why he never mentions the “The Rookie”, as well as if he gets a “Lucas” slow clap going before he engages in a threesome with his goddesses.

CRM – Charlie Sheen is the story in the world right now. War, revolution, natural disasters. No one cares. This week is about #tigerblood. And winning. And living in a world where the Charlie Sheen and Brandon Davies stories exist side-by-side.

3. Baseball! Cubs Already Fighting
TSH – Aramis Ramirez and Carlos Silva have already taken swings at each other in the dugout, and Joe Madden arrived to the scene in Florida with another bizarre look. Welcome back, baseball.

CRM - Cubs suck.

4. Less Than 2 Weeks Until March Madness!
TSH – Simply put, one of the funnest times of the year for a sports fan. I can’t wait.

CRM - A week ago I was pricing Final Four tickets to watch Jimmer play in his final college games. Today, March Madness is a terrifying monster ready to reign down on me with disappointment.

5. NFL Labor Discussions

TSH - Why bother with the pathetic NFL soap opera when you can play Jerry Glanville’s Pigskin FootBrawl?

CRM – Everybody wants more money. Its that simple. Just raise ticket prices some more and everything will be fine!

Honorable Mention
RIP OwlTHIS … a fucking hat!

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Query of the Week
Tootsie Pops or Blow Pops?

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This Week in Retarded Pictures of Snooki
TSH -
According to my source, the lost Hendrix tapes can be found in Snooki’s hair.

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Remember When Eminem Buried Benzino?

[Photos via Getty]

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