March Madness is finally here, and along with the familiar staples like filling out brackets, taking Thursday or Friday off to watch the first round, and Gus Johnson’s exploding head, usually comes a few unique names from some of the smaller schools that most of us aren’t as familiar with. Will it be possible to top Chief Kickingstallionsims? That’s a bit ambitious. We’ll probably see Princeton hoist a national championship before Mr. Kickingstallionsims loses his crown. Without further ado, here is your 2011 All-Name Team.
Ian Hummer, Forward, Princeton — Ian Hummer somehow ended up at Princeton University and not in a three-way with Eve Angelina and Brianna Banks.
Pooh Williams, Guard/Forward, Utah State — Anyone listed in the official team directory as “Pooh” is certainly worthy of a spot in the starting lineup.
Chudier Pal, Center, UNC Asheville — It’s pronounced Chew-da-eh. He made the list because this team needed a god damn center. He’s also here so we could ask the masses if his teammates call him Chewie.
Preston Purifoy, Guard, UAB — His last name is basically “purify” with a ridiculous New York accent.
Blaise Ffrench, Guard, St. Peter’s — If you have a stuttering problem, this is the name for you.
Ryan Bacon, Forward, St. Peter’s — Ryan Bacon is 6’7″ and 205 pounds. An absolute disgrace to bacon. If he were a fatty, he’d most certainly be starting.
Jordan Weiner, Guard, UC Santa Barbara — A basketball name that begins with so much promise, but ends in cliched mockery.
Jordan Costner, Forward, St. Peter’s — More bizarre bookends. Start with a legend, end with Waterworld.
Mathis Monninghoff, Forward, Gonzaga — The ‘Hoff is from Germany. It’s a safe bet he jams out to “Jump In My Car” before each and every game.