Weekly Top Five: NFL Draft, NBA Playoffs, Haynesworth, and Even the NHL!

Each and every week, Stephen Douglas and I will recap some of the bigger stories from… the, uh… week. We’ve been very good about putting lots of thoughtestry and effort into this avalanche of a feature, and every time we post, someone tells Porky Pig to shut up. As always, please remember to be as irrational as possible when interacting with your fellow TBL commenters.

1. NFL Draft

TSH — Roger Goodell was hilariously booed by the pigskin obsessed New York City crowd at Radio City Music Hall, though if the draft were held in St. Louis, I’m certain fans would’ve instead formed a peaceful, single file line in front of the stage and delivered homemade cookies and brownies for the commish to enjoy.

CRM — I couldn’t watch the draft because I had to get to bed early so I could wake up really freaking early to watch the Royal Wedding. I’m told the Panthers’ selected Cam Newton and then somebody said something funny about Auburn paying him more. Honestly, I can’t believe I missed it. Don’t worry though. I’ll be glued to my television for the NBA draft. I need to know where Jimmer is going to play and which selection the Jazz will get him with.

2. NBA Playoffs
TSH — I’m excited for the Heat-Celtics showdown not only because a series like this defines the word sizzle, but because there will be a shoving match every 18 seconds. These two teams  genuinely don’t like each other and they don’t hesitate in expressing so, which is refreshing considering the pregame orgy at half court we’ve become so accustomed to in the modern day NBA.

CRM — I don’t care, I’m still rooting for the Nuggets to come out of the West.

3. Albert Haynesworth Doesn’t “Even Like Black Girls”
Say what you want about Albert Haynesworth, but attempting to make a withdrawal from a set of tits is pretty damn creative.

CRM — The fact that I never got to include Haynesworth in a Pacman and MOE story saddens me. He would have made a great idiot addition to the team.

4. “Grantland”
This one made the list just so everyone could inform us of when they started reading Bill Simmons, when they stopped reading Bill Simmons, why they started reading Bill Simmons, and why they stopped reading Bill Simmons.

CRM — I started reading Bill Simmons in college and I still read him – when he actually writes a column! *accepts high fives* Seriously though, I listen to most of his podcasts and look forward to checking out Grantland, despite its silly, dated reference of a name. (I’m the guy who wrote a blog called Cousins of Ron Mexico and then actually went by that name on the internet. I know a thing or two about stupid names.)

5. The NHL!

TSH — When I notified the NHL that it finally made the Weekly Top Five, it was very thankful and appreciative, though it was quickly followed by uproarious laughter and a brutally honest, “but why?”

CRM — I have watched more hockey in the last week and a half than I have in the last couple years. It’s been great. Overtime every night. Close games. Big, crushing, dirty hits. It got to the point where I recognized that last night’s Vancouver – Nashville game was a sloppy piece of shit. I must say, I’ll miss Chelsea Dagger. 

Honorable Mention
Worst person ever … a fucking hat!


Query of the Week
Air Jordan or Air Bud?


This Week in Retarded Pictures of Snooki
Unfortunately Getty had no new offerings of Snooki this week which leads me to believe she’s back in the lab marinating her beef curtains with extra zip for the next perfume launch. Additionally, there’s vomit on my screen.


Body Count (Greatest Album Art of All Time)

[Photos via Getty]

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