I went into Transformers: Dark of the Moon cold. I’d only seen about 40 minutes total of the first two films and had never heard anything very good about either. So I was ready to trash this film from the first time I heard it existed. Somehow, I didn’t hate it despite its many faults.
Since we’re stupid Americans who crave stuff like Michael Bay films, I’ve broken this review into sections and added lots of pictures.
The Plot – Deceptacons want to bring their planet to Earth or something. Other than that, I don’t really get what was going on. Characters were stuffed in and pointless. There was one point where they decided the Russian space program had something to do with something so they went looking for two Cosmonauts who had been in hiding for decades. It took them approximately 2 seconds to find them and then turn them into allies. And if I hadn’t been so confused by the scene, it would have been completely lost in the sea of nonsense.
Michael Bay – He’s famous for making some shiny pieces of shit. This is definitely one of those. There were definitely parts of the film where you could see that Bay had seen something and thought, “That’s super cool! Let’s put it in Transformers!” The battles between the Transformers were the equivalent of Bay holding two action figures and bashing them together and making sound effects with his mouth. *Beep beep meep boom!* “I’m transforming!” *Doot doot doot doot doot*
The Length – Clocking in at two hours and thirty-seven minutes (157 minutes!) this is the longest film I’ve ever seen in a theater. To its credit, it moved along and didn’t seem a second over two-fifteen.
3D – Except for Jackass: 3D, I don’t think I’ve seen a 3D movie that was worth my time. (I haven’t seen Avatar.) Green Lantern was bad and I didn’t even notice any of the 3D effects. Michael Bay did a pretty good job making most of the film look pretty cool. Of course, all the Transformers battle scenes where were confusing as you couldn’t really tell who was who. Just rotating piles of metal.
Product Placement – You will run straight to Best Buy to pick up as many Lenovo and Cisco products as you can get your hands on. I’m drinking a Bud Light right now. And you’re going to want to (Easily the strangest bit of product placement I’ve ever seen) call your local garbage service and tell them you’re moving to Waste Management. Plus all the cars.
Rosie Huntington-Whiteley – She’s real pretty. And with a resume like hers, it’s no mystery why she landed such a big role in a summer blockbuster. It’s incredible that Michael Bay was able to find such an ample replacement for Megan Fox.
Shia LaBeouf - I’m not #teammuniz or anything, so I have no problem with The Boof. Still, why is he such a big star? He’s made some incredibly awful films. Indy 4, Transformers 2, Eagle Eye, Wall Street 2. Having not seen the first two Transformers films, I wasn’t entirely sure what he was doing there. The first hour of the film I couldn’t get past the following thought: “What the Hell is the point of this character? He serves no purpose.” And how did he land Rosie Huntington-Whiteley? She could keep Shia in her handbag if she were strong enough.
Josh Duhamel – I always get excited when Fergie’s husband shows up because for a second I think it’s Marshall Raylan Givens. It never is though. /sad face
The Rest of the Supporting Cast – A variety of assholes and idiots. Yet everyone was perfectly intertwined. After every character was introduced someone might as well have shrugged and said “I guess it’s a small world!”
Dark Side of the Moon – They say “dark side of the moon” at least ten times in the opening half hour of Transformers 3. Why is this movie called “Dark of the Moon?” I’m guessing Michael Bay was on iTunes one day when he saw Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon and thought “We need that in Transformers! Who knows what kind of crazy robot explosions are happening on the dark side of the moon!? You can’t see anything there because it’s so dark and mysterious!” Then his lawyers told him he couldn’t call the film “Dark Side of the Moon” and he was crushed. I can’t imagine how many M-80’s he’s going to set off the next time he visits the Rock ‘N Roll Hall of Fame.
Humor – There were some legitimate, intentional laughs, some ham-fisted garbage that was supposed to be funny that made the idiot audience chuckle and guffaw, and lots of unintended laughs. This movie is off the charts on the Unintentional Comedy Scale.
The Verdict – When the film ended, the packed theater applauded. That’s usually a sign that a movie is going to make a eff-ton of money, right? On the one had it was as stupid as I expected it to be. On the other hand…
There were things blowing up everywhere big guns and hot girls and cool cars and people jumping out of planes doing sweet tricks in squirrel suits!
Sure, it was too long, really pointless and incredibly shallow, but I won’t pretend I didn’t enjoy it’s overall awfulness. If nothing else, Transformers 3 will make a great drinking game. Though you’ll probably throw up from the shaky-cam. If you had to classify Dark Side of the Moon in one of the two Tyrese movie categories, it would be under, “So bad it’s kind of awesome.”