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Joe Flacco's Wedding Registry is Pretty Much What You Might Expect of a Mediocre QB

The Baltimore Sun discovered Joe Flacco’s wedding registries. (Via Baltimore Sports Report) Somehow I started looking through them and got a few hundred words out of it. Sure, most of those words are “Joe Flacco,” but still. Kim Kardashian’s wedding registry this is not.

Crate & Barrell
Joe Flacco wanted four ice cube trays , but only got 1. Joe Flacco is going to be staring at some warm drinks this summer.

Joe Flacco has a pastry cutter. Joe Flacco got the Madison Taupe Shower Curtain he desired, but did not receive the matching towels and washcloths. Do you think every shower will be a bitter reminder of the towels he had his heart set on?

Joe Flacco did not get a single adjustable garment rack. Anyone who has lived in an apartment that lacked ample closet space knows that adjustable garment racks can be invaluable.

Joe Flacco might have to drape his favorite sports coats over a chair.

Joe Flacco didn’t get either of the drying racks he asked for. ARE YOU GOING TO HAND DRY JOE FLACCO’S SWEATERS!?

Macy’s
If you go to Joe Flacco’s house and can find a chair to sit in that isn’t being used to hang sports coats, he will serve you a delicious margarita.

But why didn’t anyone buy him the stemware he wanted?

The bag holder Joe Flacco wanted is out of stock. I’m guessing this is like the Kate Middleton effect. When Joe Flacco fans see Joe Flacco looking at a bag holder, they run out and buy all those bag holders. It’s the same way British women are with the dresses that Kate Middleton wears.

No one bought Joe Flacco the KitchenAid Food Chopper despite it’s tremendous everyday value of $17.98.

No Takeya White and Raspberry Airtight jugs for Joe Flacco. I really hope you like margies.

Joe Flacco owns a very nice vacuum cleaner.

A Panini Press and a Foreman Grill. Joe Flacco likes his food flat.

Joe Flacco plans on transporting cupcakes and pies to practice when the lockout ends.

Despite extensive Googling, I can’t figure out what thread count Joe Flacco prefers.

 

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