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Weekly Top Five: Tiger Woods, Roger Clemens, Brett Favre, and the NBA

Each week Stephen Dorff and I will recap some of the bigger stories from the lively week in athletics. It’s a completely original idea that we started over 18 months ago. Every time this post appears, the incredible theme song to Itchy & Scratchy elegantly plays in our heads. As always, please remember to be as irrational as possible when interacting with your fellow TBL commenters.

Because we happen to be generous souls, here are all the bikinis you missed this week.

1. Tiger Woods Still Missing
TSH — When Tiger introduced the world to his Hollywood Hogan beard I thought for sure he would be gracing us with an appearance at the British Open. His absence will prove to be as disappointing as the pictures of his Perkins goomah.

CRM — He’s not missing, you just can’t find him. Tiger will be back when he’s 100% healthy. So expect to see him never probably. If only we hadn’t blown up his spot with every woman in his life. He must be bored as Hell right now.

2. Roger Clemens
TSH —
I’m amazed this thing is still going on and equally astonished by Roger’s porcupine hairdo. The bright side? The return of Rusty Hardin, who looks like a Muppet filled with urine.

CRM — If Cousin Yuri testifies, then I’ll pay attention. Until then, this is my new Casey Anthony trial – I’ll find out about it when it’s over and you’re all upset.

3. Brett Favre Has Returned to TBL!
TSH — I’m all for Brett Favre coming back. Admit it, we as a society are routinely drawn to a good shitshow, and when it comes to Favre, what follows close behind is an 18-wheeler filled with feces. It will be insufferable as much as it will be entertaining. My prediction? He’ll be in an Arizona Cardinals jersey by mid August alongside an aroused Larry Fitzgerald.

CRM — Stop talking about this. My point in talking about not talking about this was to keep us from talking about this.

4. Tragedy in Texas
TSH —
We make a concerted effort here to turn this post into as much fun as possible, but we can’t ignore what happened last night in Texas to 39-year-old firefighter, Shannon Stone. I felt nauseous after reading what transpired and still do. His young son unfortunately witnessed the fall and Josh Hamilton must be consumed with non-stop “what if” scenarios. Just awful for everyone involved.

CRM — Just awful.

5. NBA Lockout
TSH —
Who has time for creampuff news like free agent talk when we’re trying to pick out something thoughtful to buy from Kris and Kim’s registry? When this crap is eventually over, I am intrigued by Allen Iverson’s supposed willingness to “help” a team, meaning he might finally accept a role off the bench for a contender. That would be fun. I miss the little guy.

CRM — Stop the damn lockouts already. I can’t take any more lockouts.

Honorable Mention
From Goldman to Grantland … a fucking hat!

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Query of the Week
The Jetsons or The Flintstones?

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This Week in Retarded Pictures of Snooki

TSH — That hat was originally fitted for Kevin Mench. And those breasts were originally fitted for King Hippo.

CRM — She wrote a book.

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Because This Never Gets Old


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Probably The Greatest Ballad of the 90s

[Photos via Getty]

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