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Miscellany

A List of 94 Twitter Things

Yesterday Twitter 100 lists were all the rage. First Sports Illustrated put out their list of 100 non-SI Twitter accounts that you should follow. Then CNBC’s headline machine, Darren Rovell created a list of 100 rules for Twitter. Both lists were fine if you didn’t think about them too much.

My problem is that I did think about both lists. And you know what? They kind of suck. So here are my 50 tips for Twitter and 50 Twitter accounts you should follow.

1. Don’t tell people to use Twitter. I have friends who don’t use Twitter. I’ve gone down the “Oh, man, you should totally check out Twitter!” path. Trust me, you sound like an asshole. Not everyone is ready to red pill and go down the internet rabbit hole. Mostly though, your friends will think you’re annoying asshole.

2. Don’t link your FourSquare to your Twitter. You want to brag about the latest club you’ve become mayor of? Twitpic the bottle service. #miami

3.

4. Follow beat writers for your favorite teams. They really only talk about your favorite team. You love your favorite team. Are you connecting the dots here? #marlins

5. Don’t be afraid to delete a Tweet if you have made a spelling or grammatical error if you’ve said something especially clever. You’re not getting multiple RTs if you say something like, “Give Amy Wombats head a show deal!” Though it would be funnier. #humblebrag

6. Follow Friday is pointless. That doesn’t mean it’s not a sicktastic ego boost when someone recommends you, but ultimately, nobody pays attention.

7. Follow people who you constantly see retweeted.

8. If you RT a celebrity with a million followers, you’re an idiot.

9. If you realize you lost a follower, you might be paying attention to your follower count too closely. Especially, if you have 100,000 followers.

10. If you’re reading this, you aren’t asking anyone for a RT from a celebrity because you’re not an idiot. Make sure to shame anyone who does ask for a RT.

11. If you’re reading this, you aren’t famous enough that anyone would ever ask you for a RT for no reason.

12. Asking for or giving a RT ironically is never not funny. That’s why you see it everyday from people who don’t have any followers. #RTplz

13. The only thing I look for in a Twitter bio is if the person is affiliated with a media outlet. Put anything you want in there. I don’t care how boring or hilarious your bio is. I followed people based on their tweets and you should too.

14. Twitter avatars should rarely be changed. Those images are how people get to know you. If you change your picture every week, I get confused.

15. Report spam accounts. Not only does it help to solve the problem, it makes you feel like a badass. #blocked

16. Tweet about whatever interests/annoys/amuses you.

17. Seriously, don’t follow someone based on their bio.

18. Tweet all the time. No matter what time of day it is. #zzzz

19. I hate the #drunj tag. You had 139 flawless characters, I don’t believe you’re inebriated. #sober

20. If you have a question about anything in the world, ask Twitter. If you’re loved, you’ll get an answer with minimal effort. #lazyftw

21. If you want to add “in my pants” to movies, books, TV shows, foods, go for it. Even if people roll their eyes, it’s not unfollow-worthy in my pants. #see

22. Feel free to call someone out if you’re unfollowing them. This is the internet. #sayittomyavatar

23. If you see what sounds like an interesting link, but you don’t have time to read, make sure to favorite the Tweet. Otherwise it will be one of those small things that bug the shit out of you. It won’t keep you up at night, but it’s on par with forgetting the name of a song.

24. Take advantage of those 140 characters. Make people RT you without comment. Leave no room for piggyback jokes. No one is as funny as you. #exceptforme

25. Give new people a follow. If they suck, cut them loose.

26. Follower #’s don’t mean shit. Some of my favorite Twitterers have 100 followers. The audiences of 2 and a Half Men and Arrested Development agree.

27. If someone Tweets something, you didn’t find it.

28. If you dismiss someone’s opinion because the have less followers than you, you’re probably a douche.

29. Don’t share a Twitter account.

30. Most athletes are boring on Twitter. The fact that they have soooo many followers just shows how many idiots use Twitter. Don’t worry about missing an incriminating Twitpic or particularly stupid athlete thought. Someone will RT it. Don’t let it be you.

31. Follow models.

32. If you must follow an athlete, it should probably be a female athlete.

33. It’s OK to just RT someone. Sometimes people say interesting or funny things.

34. This isn’t one of them. RT @CRM_Stephen It’s OK to just RT someone. Sometimes people say interesting or funny things.

35. Hashtags are great. Especially when they’re not being used to get random eyes. #humorousexamplegoeshere

36. TwitPics of your food always awesome.

37. TwitPics of your alcoholic beverages are always awesome. Drinking makes you cooler. Is that a Bud Light? #partytimewooo

38 Don’t tweet the result of a sporting contest and ask for “headlines.”

39. When you see one media member say something slightly disparaging to another media member, quickly RT with #shotsfired.

40. Immediately check out that back-and-forth. It could be amusing.

41. If someone looks especially good or stupid on your television, mention the channel.

42. If the final scene of The Marine Biologist is about to play on TBS, make sure everyone knows it.

43. If you Retweet Darren Rovell, you had better be making fun of him. Don’t punish me because you’re too stupid to unfollow. #stoppollutingmyfeed

44. If you’re watching something and something awesome happens, feel free to Tweet a single world. If you tweet “Nooooooo!” on a Sunday night, I know you’re watching Game of Thrones.

Now here are 50 Twitter accounts I follow who have less than 100,000 followers. Some are models, some are internet personalities, some are TBL commenters, some are just… I’m not sure. In the end, I follow all of them and they make it worth checking Twitter every day. If you want a full list, check out all 780 or so.

@KateUpton, @DangerGuerrero, @PaulyPeligroso, @Bobby_BigWheel@hypervocal, @DRUNKHULK, @19jms, @LSUFreek, @filmdrunk, @bradysbabymomma, @arielhelwani, @benfowlkesMMA, @Jose3030, @jeskeets, @tasmelas, @simmonsclass, @FisolaNYDN, @HPbasketball, @stackmack, @wzzntzz, @BrandonMcLeod, @WorldofIsaac, @MMAnation, @cardscott5, @jacko2323, @MikeChiapetta, @barryap1, @injuryrate, @KDonHoops, @xmasape, @AnthonyLimaTV@suss2hyphens, @punte, @marcel_mutoni@andyhutchins, @MJ_Day, @TheNoLookPass@treykirby, @ChrissyTeigen, @gormetspud, @bustedcoverage, @MikeNYC24, @miggiesmalls, @davelozo, @bsanders37

Hometown selections: @thesportshernia@thebiglead, @tyduffy, @jasonlisk, and, last but not least… @Stephen_Douglas. If I left you out, I’m not really sorry, but I’ll say I am anyway.

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