Weekly Top Five: World Cup, Bruce Feldman, James Harrison & Golf!
By Tim Ryan
Because we happen to be generous souls, here are all the ESPY boobs you missed.
1. World Cup
TSH — Thanks to Twitter outrage on Sunday regarding the penalty kick controversy, I was inspired to tune in to see just what the hell was going on. I’m so happy I did. I’ve said it before and I’ll keep saying it: Ian Darke is the best announcer in sports. High drama is always enjoyable, but you almost selfishly hope for something historic to happen each and every time he’s calling a game because you know he’ll nail it. He always does.
CRM — This has been the most exciting week of my life. First there was a World Cup game. Then there was another World Cup game. When will it stop? The bullshit reaction videos, I mean.
2. ESPN’s Bruce Feldman Suspended but Not Really
TSH — Why would someone like Craig James be such a protected property at ESPN? Engaging, irreplaceable personalities like Chris Fowler and Scott Van Pelt I can certainly see, but Craig James? This whole story has made an inspired effort to be as strange and confusing as possible. Regardless, Bruce Feldman has had a healthy 24 hours of PR.
CRM — Except he wasn’t. So, I guess I’ll just put my pitchfork back in the barn.
3. NFL Lockout
TSH — If you haven’t yet discussed the rookie wage scale with your friends, I suggest fixing yourself a bottomless glass of whiskey and entering this thread. It will leave you with a burning desire to be at the negotiating table with Roger Goodell and DeMaurice Smith.
CRM — Soooo close… Just end so I can start figuring out where I’m going to eat chicken wings this September. I need a plan.
4. British Open
TSH — Stephen Douglas posted about this worldly event at approximately 2:28 am this morning, which means there’s absolutely no way we could have left it off this compelling list. Having said that, I saw an interview with Rory McIlroy after his first round and he seems to be trying too hard to be humble. I’d prefer he act like a self-entitled prick, especially since Tiger is now forced to behave.
CRM — Jokes on you guys – I wrote that post at 1:42 and scheduled it for 2:28. Am I there? Am I sleeping? You tell me. I remain a huge fan of any sporting event on my television at 7am. Otherwise I end up watching a SportsCenter loop for 6 hours.
5. James Harrison
TSH — James Harrison has previously claimed he trusts no one in this life, including his mother. If I had a choice between being struck by an asteroid traveling at record breaking speed or fighting James Harrison, I would choose the asteroid without hesitation.
CRM — He is an excitable young fellow, isn’t he? I wish he had owned the Roethlisberger quotes. There’s nothing wrong with openly hating a doofus like Roethlisberger. Someone as terrifying as James Harrison knows that.
Honorable Mention
From the comments earlier today, Charley Steiner: Legend … a fucking hat!
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This Week in Retarded Pictures of Snooki
TSH — I would rather pork the Singing Bush.
CRM — This picture is just awesome. I can’t even imagine how much stupider she would look if she picked her head up.
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Probably The Greatest Ballad of the 90s
[Photos via Getty]