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A Goofball's Mantra: Looking at the Season through Football Anagrams

Throw out the over-analysis of who completed how many passes in training camp. Put away the advanced numbers. Don’t trust the eye test. Anagrams, you see, may just hold the key to the NFL future. You don’t believe me? Well, let’s take a look back at some things we might have known ahead of time if we had looked to the power of the anagram.

We may have foreseen the whole Ben Roethlisberger progression–Beer, Girl, Then Sober–from partying cad with legal troubles in Georgia to being a professed changed man and married a year later. Jay Cutler was hung by a Cleat Jury of his peers for his injury during last year’s title game. Carson Palmer has been told the Bengals are No Arm Placers, and if Mike Brown has his way, Palmer’s never getting out of Crap Realm, Son.

The Oakland Raiders ignored the warning signs when it came to the draft. JaMarcus Russell: Real Jam, Cuss, Slur is an excellent summation of what happened during his tenure. Then Darrius Heyward-Bey with a top 10 pick? Why Raider? Ye Absurd.

The NFL Network brought Joe Theismann on its Thursday Night coverage to torture listeners last year. Shame Net Join. Is Daniel Snyder the worst owner with his constant meddling, little man syndrome and lawsuits? Deadly Sinner accurately sums it up.

Roger Goodell is a Droll Ego Ogre. Oops, that one was brought to you by James Harrison (Iron Shame Jars), so we apologize, how about Goo Greed Roll instead. Yes, he was the right man to do the owner’s bidding. But how did they finally get DeMaurice Smith to reach an agreement. Medicate His Rum. Now why didn’t we think of that in March?

The recent Nnamdi Asomugha free agency frenzy may have caught you by surprise, but Nomad Mania Gush suggests it shouldn’t have. As for the Albert Haynesworth era coming to an end in Washington, Abhorrent Whale Sty captures it quite nicely. Michael Vick? Lack Vice Him.

Uh yeah, well about that. We can’t get them all right. Or the anagrams hate puppies.

I’d like to give Rich Eisen a Sincere Hi, hope that Cris Collinsworth doesn’t come down with the Worst Chronic Ills, and with apologies to Print Geek, er, Peter King, here are the things I think I think I made up using anagrams about the 2011 season.

Let’s get it out of the way: will Brett Favre return? Brat Vet Ref. So yes, but in style, by pulling a Frank Drebin as Ed Hochuli type switch. Peyton Manning just signed a new deal, Pony Man Get Inn, and people are arguing over whether he is pure evil or the most pure human ever for taking only 18 million a year. The most shocking deal was probably a punter, Michael Koenen, getting 18 million over 4 years. I’d say He Like a Conmen, but Lo, Machine Knee, maybe the Bucs discovered robo-punter, who would indeed be worth every penny.

Lots of rookie quarterbacks this year, and lots of opinions. Cam Newton went first overall to Carolina. Cat Men Won. Interesting, sounds promising for the Cat Men. Tennessee taking Jake Locker was A Clerk Joke. No, he was drafted by the GM, though this may give us insight into how the pick originally got momentum within the organization. Blaine Gabbert in Jacksonville will likely be Rabble at Begin. Well, sure, all rookie quarterbacks struggle at the beginning, doesn’t mean anything. A Babbling Tree. Well, that’s not nice, I’m sure we’ve gotten it wrong, after all Gabbert did attend Missouri, like myself, and is destined for greatness. An Babble Tiger. Enough! let’s move on.

Ryan Mallett generated as much pre-draft talk as anyone. Mentally, Rat. Wow, that’s harsher than anything any anonymous source said. Christian Ponder was set to take over for the soul crushing end to the Brett Favre saga, Prior Disenchant, but now gets to sit behind Donovan McNabb as Rhapsodic Intern. How will he do if he gets an opportunity in the Great North? North Panic Rides. Andy Dalton, the fair-skinned ginger for the Bengals, needs to Add Tan Only. Colin Kaepernick may get a chance in San Francisco, where he could be Liken Packer Icon. Sounds promising, unfortunately, we don’t know which one, from Brett Favre to Bart Starr to Lynn Dickey, or maybe even the Majik Man. We do know he Can Pile On Kicker; sounds like he’ll get to lead at least one game winning drive for a field goal this year.

What about other rookies in this draft? Da’Quan Bowers was supposed to be a high pick until the knee concerns made him a member of Raw Bone Squad. Mark Ingram will be stiff-arming through the league as Arm Ram King. Take note, IDP Fantasy players: Cornerback Patrick Peterson Intercepts a Pork.

Let’s put some coaches under the ‘scope. Raheem Morris is a hot commodity, but hmm, I sea error. Jim Harbaugh may not look like it, but he will channel Woody Hayes after seeing his team, I Jab, Ugh, Harm. Jason Garrett (Arrogant Jets!) apparently reads the site–good to know. Andy Reid will meet a Dairy End, which either means he dies while consuming milk, or they lose to the Cheeseheads.

Do you believe in the Madden Curse? Peyton Hillis may go from Hype Into Ills. Chad Ocho Cinco in New England–Hi Coach, Con Doc–will hide an injury. Full-Froed Defensive Player of the Year Troy Polamalu, You Art All Mop. Clay Matthews, Thaw My Cleats, will be playing on the frozen tundra in January. Brian Urlacher in a cast? Hi, Ulnar Bracer.

Super Agent Drew Rosenhaus, Mister Whore and Ruses, has managed to drum up interest in his client Plaxico Burress, Parole Scrub Six. Returning tight end Jermichael Finley–Hey, Infirm Ace, Jail–will come back from injury, but should avoid guns in sweatpants at all costs.

Will Tony Romo ever shake the label and win in the playoffs? He’s Om, No Troy. Mark Sanchez is Zen’s Hack Arm; I don’t know what that means, but feel free to discuss in the comments. Ladies, Tom Brady is apparently sporting a tattoo somewhere under those luscious locks on My Art Bod. Watch your back, Vick, Vince Young is a Connive Guy. Matt Stafford will be in Daft Stat Form; I just don’t know if that means crazy good or crazy bad.

As for Super Bowl MVP Aaron Rodgers, Adorers Groan. Ooh, that doesn’t sound good, I wonder why. A Gonads Error. Ouch. Who would do such a thing?

Hunk Sum Gonad.

Wear an extra cup when you play Detroit, Aaron, ’cause Unman God Husk-er is coming for you.

[photo via Getty, anagrams via Internet Anagram Server]

[[and no, my name is not anagrammable, suckers]]

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