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Jersey Shore's International Panty Raid

Warning: Do not watch Jersey Shore alone and sober. Ever. Only watch it with friends while drinking. Repeated viewings may cause nausea, heartburn and we’re not sure what that is, but you might want to get it checked out, bro.

Jersey Shore returned last night and it was more of the same. Guidos and tans and short-shorts and gross people making out. The big difference this season is the “culture shock.”  Also there’s a hot tub indoors.

In Jersey Shore, culture shock consists of not being able to talk to girls or read street signs. Other than that, there are killer pigeons which will peck your ears off. Very unchill.

See, the Jersey Shore cast lives in a world where getting a passport is as easy as doing a photo shoot in a shopping plaza. There is no 4-6 week wait to get a passport. You just take a couple silly pictures, slap them on a Karma flyer above your autograph and you can get past any security checkpoint in the world. Forget about that 3 oz container rule – here is no travel size for bronzer, bro.

We’re also supposed to believe that this is some kind of transcontinental Amazing Race between the guys and the girls. This is a world where these people talk to each other on the regular basis, but we’re supposed to believe that they don’t know what time each others’ flights leave and arrive. Oh well, whatever excuse leads to the guys all sleeping on the same couch in Vinny’s living room, right?

The star of episode 1 was DJ Pauly D. The man who coined the phrase, “CABSRHEAH!” introduced us to the Jersey Shore goal of an “international panty raid.” What makes Pauly D so fun to watch is his exuberance. He’s always animated and never gets involved in the stupid drama that killed JS over the last couple seasons. TAXISONQUI!

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Second place goes to Vinny who remains the only intentionally funny person on the show. When he says he has a beard, he’s kidding. Kid’s got jokes. Pauly and Vinny always get lost despite the fact that they’re the only two legitimately entertaining people on the show.

Sammi and Ronnie and this stupid “will they or won’t they” should really be a “does anyone care?” Sammi thinks Ronnie looks good and everybody else thinks Sammi got her boobs done. Who cares? These people are bores. Unless Ronnie is getting drunk and breaking tables for comedic value, there is no reason to like either of them. I fully expect an episode 3 hookup followed by 10 weeks of crying.

Which brings me to J-Woww. Did she get a lot of work done or is she just addicted to working out? She looks like she’s dropped about 30 pounds and 10 were in her face. She has lost jarring amount of weight. She currently has the jawline of The Joker. Will she actually eat a sandwich this season? That’s the real “will they or won’t they.”

As for the rest of them…

Snooki is such a ridiculous person that you forget that she is comically short… Good for her becoming a tiny workout monster though. Perhaps Little Snooki Workouts are in the future… Did they edit out the 18 straight hours they all slept to adjust to the time change… We have to buy The Situation “falling” for Snooki? That situation is more cooked up than Sunday dinner… The cars in Italy are really small and seat 3 people in the front. Who says Jersey Shore isn’t educational… Finally, here’s the club mix that you now love. More like Fi-ga-bro.

[Image via Getty]

 

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