Roundup: Man Needs 800 Stitches After Shark Attack, Philadelphia Fans Booed an Anti-Cancer Commercial, & The End of Ernie Johnson's Season

Aly Michalka … scared bros at a haunted house 50 dogs in Star Wars costumes … year old, but it’s a penguin train conductor10 year old saves mother from abusive boyfriend Muhammad Ali bought a shitty house … radio station takes heat for ‘win a baby’ promotion … Heaven is a found beer truck gotta wrap up, Ashton … poor dog is stuck between an owner and trainer that don’t want her … biggest Heist bust movie ever? … sex can erase your memory … gunman kills his wife and seven others during a rampage at a salon

Ernie Johnson will be missing the remainder of the MLB postseason as he sits bedside in the hospital with his son Michael. [USA Today]

Brock Lesnar is open to one more match in the WWE. [ESPN]

This man needed over 800 stitches after a bull shark took a chunk out of his thigh. [WTSP]

Raiders fans gave their team a heck of a welcome home. [SF Chronicle]

A Steve Jobs movie? I hope Trent Reznor scores it. [MSNBC]

Philadelphia Flyer fans booed an anti-cancer ad because rival players were involved. [Puck Daddy]

After a down season, A-Rod is working on his swing this winter. His golf swing! Hi-yo! Oh, and he’s also working out with a blonde who was in a Brazil butt lift video. [NY Post]

Woman living on Scooby Doo Drive texted a sheriff to set up a drug deal. Nice. [HyperVocal]

A study that proves legalized marijuana decreases crime? District attorneys were fans. [LA Times]

E-Mails the Obama Campaign should have sent. [Funny or Die]

Woman can’t believe her husband sexually assaulted and kidnapped two women. Unrelated: At 18, he killed his 38-year-old girlfriend. Possibly Related: She’s got a memoir to sell. [Globe and Mail]

ESPN tries to justify their made up statistic after everyone pointed out the Tebow > Rodgers stats over the weekend. [Awful Announcing]

Young football player with a disease similar to autism gets to score a touchdown. Sportsmanship is still alive. [CBS Minnesota]

A kitten boxing a hair dryer. It’s going to be a good day.

Nobody ever said these Occupy Wall Street people were smart. Or had any idea what they are talking about. Take this idiot for example. I’d like my education to be paid for too, asshole.

Troy Polamalu pretended to be his wax statue.

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