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Weekly Top Five: LSU-Alabama, Tebow, NBA Lockout, Mayweather, and Other Stuff

Each week Stephen Teach-Me-How-To Douglas and I will recap some of the bigger stories from the lively week in athletics. It’s a completely original idea that we started over 21 months ago. Every time this post appears, Marv Albert’s lively toupee stands and applauds. As always, please remember to be as irrational as possible when interacting with your fellow TBL commenters.

It’s worth noting that Kate Upton looks very average here.

1. LSU vs. Alabama
TSH — If you’re not watching this game on Saturday night you better be a) trapped at a shitty wedding reception with no TV anywhere in sight b) playing the bongos on Kate Upton’s ass c) in jail d) actually playing in the game.

CRM — I don’t usually get excited about regular season college football, but a No. 1 vs No. 2 match up is more than enough reason for me to check my local listings and figure out what time the game is. I might even switch over during my weekly viewing of Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World and watch some of it. I’m guessing this game is sometime Saturday?

2. The NBA Lockout
TSH —
I’m now eager for the lockout to come to an end only because I know there have to be at least a few players with anti-Stern dunk celebrations ready to go. A simple crotch chop followed by unfavorable, venom-filled words for Stern directly into the camera underneath the hoop? That’ll work just fine.

CRM — Just stop it already. They should put Rick from Pawn Stars in charge of the negotiations. This is ridiculous. And why the Hell aren’t they doing this shit 24/7? Why are the negotiations taking place on a prison guard’s schedule? Is it because Baron Davis is being ironic?

3. Tebow & the ESPN Commenter Assault of 2011
TSH — It’s been said already, but I would like to thank the internet for some splendid, tireless work in the Tebow thread over at ESPN. I stand here with feverish applause, particularly since the meme is still going strong. When I checked in on the thread earlier this afternoon, these two comments popped up right on top of one another. Amazing.

CRM — Tebow! I was hoping someone would bring up Tebow. My favorite part of Tebow is SI’s Richard Deitsch railing against ESPN for creating the Tebow News Cycle. As a part of the inner-workings of the Tebow News Cycle, I reserve the right to complain about constantly having stories to comment on about Tebow.

4. Kris Humphries-Kim Kardashian Divorce
TSH —
Yes, the marriage lasted a hilarious 72 days. And yes, it was a complete and obvious ploy to make a mountain of money. But lest we forget, Kris Humphries was able to enjoy palming Kim Kardashian’s ass like two basketballs for several months. No reasonable man can put a price on that.

CRM — From now on, all newlyweds should celebrate their 72-day anniversary. Call it the Kardashian Anniversary. You either make a sex tape, or buy your husband or wife something superficial that brings attention to you, but ultimately means nothing. Or steal a great deal of money from an idiot or multiple idiots.

5. Floyd Mayweather vs. Pacquiao? Pretty Please?
TSH — Two things about this: First, Floyd’s schtick is incredibly entertaining and his strategy is downright genius. Second, I don’t think I’ve ever purchased a boxing pay-per view. But if Money May-Pacman were to happen, I would happily give money to my cable provider. The amount of cash to be made from this is truly astronomical. It’s almost stupid. In fact, it is stupid. Floyd would be able to make several thousand Floyd statues made entirely of $100 bills for him to sit next to and hang out with. So if this fight doesn’t happen on May 5, I will sew my head to a turnbuckle.

CRM — I’m reminded of Alan asking when the next Haley’s Comet is during The Hangover when I think of Floyd Mayweather’s fights. I don’t want to miss the next one. Mayweather is obviously the smartest man on the planet. The way he has taken the spotlight off “the little fella” this week has been brilliant. From having his management hint at a fight that will likely not happen to calling a Sirius radio host a “faggot,” the man knows how to make a show of himself.

Honorable Mention
Carl Peterson talks Montana and Peyton with Mr. McIntyre … a FUCKING HAT!

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Last Week’s Query Poll Results:
Having Dick Stockton’s hair powerbombed having Norv Turner’s face by a wildly embarrassing score of 133-19.

Query of the Week…

[poll id=”311″]

Speaking of the Beak, the following band is rumored to make an appearance on Boardwalk Empire this Sunday night:

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This Week in Retarded Pictures of Snooki

TSH — This photo was not taken on Halloween. What you’re seeing here is Snooki’s “shocker face.”

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A Forgotten Treasure. Stunning.

[Girls via Getty, Snooki via The Superficial]

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