Weekly Top Five: Penn State, Joe Paterno, Penn State, and Joe Paterno
By Tim Ryan
It’s worth noting that Denise Brown is a completely porkable cougar.
1. Joe Paterno
TSH — When I was born this guy was already a living legend, so it’s beyond surreal to absorb what’s taken place with Joe Paterno within the last week or so. Having said that, the right decision was made. If he were still the coach as of tomorrow at noon against Nebraska, I’m assuming the Sea Hag would swoop in and whisk the old fella away, never to be seen again.
CRM — I hate everything about this story. Still, maybe it’s right that this became about Paterno just as much as it is about Sandusky. It’s important to make as much of an example out of the people who turned a blind eye or cover up the the abuse as it is to get the sick fucks who take advantage of kids.
2. Penn State
TSH — To the one student at Penn State who appears to be benefiting from advanced education, thank you. To the inexcusable jackasses who managed to finagle their way into the clip as well as to the countless others who have proudly made profound asses out of themselves, please consume a hefty helping of poison. And make it snappy.
CRM — I never liked this school anyway, but this is a hell of a way for it to go down.
3. BroPa
TSH — Out of all the indecent news to emerge from this harrowing story, I find myself wondering if Joe Paterno has ever removed those signature eyeglasses from his unmistakeable face.
CRM — He should have retired 10 years ago.
4. Pennsylvania State University
TSH — If you could choose one person to box the shit out of the insurmountable scumbag that is Jerry Sandusky, who would it be? My choice was an easy one: BALD BULL.
CRM — The students we have seen are idiots. What are you going to do? It’s a state school.
5. Broseph Paterno
TSH — What happens now? Does Paterno continue to live in Happy Valley and serve as a museum exhibit from his living room window? Will he attend Penn State football games? Will he admit to his strong belief that he was the head coach of the Colorado 14ers for the last decade? Will he return to Brooklyn and open a slow-paced pizza joint? Will he appear on the Budweiser Hot Seat? These are the questions that so desperately need answers.
CRM — It’s sad to say, but fish have to swim and coaching was Joe Paterno’s swimming.
TSH — Jack Handy’d.
Honorable Mention
There was a scandal involving Penn State … a FUCKING HAT!
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Last Week’s Query Poll Results:
Having a drink with Marty Funkhouser comfortably beat boozing with Beaker by a score 91-62..
Query of the Week…
[poll id=”312″]
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TSH — Sharing an award for exceptional work in blithering retardation tends to tug on the heartstrings.
CRM — I don’t understand what is happening in this picture.
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Greatest Unplugged Ballad of All Time
[Photos via Getty]