Weekly Top Five: Penn State, Tim Tebow, NBA, MLB Wildcard, and Some Other Stuff
By Tim Ryan
It’s worth noting that every man on the planet wants to have a six-some with this five-some.
1. Penn State Scandal
TSH — Jerry Sandusky’s lawyer allowing him to do an interview with Bob Costas has to rank as one of the dumbest decisions ever made by an attorney, and that includes Rusty Hardin’s strict urine-themed wardrobe as well as anything Lionel Hutz ever said or did. Worse than the decision itself was Sandusky’s voice. He sounded so perfectly creepy it felt like a spoof.
CRM — This story isn’t going to get better. If we get two positive things out of this whole ordeal, it’s that more people who have been hurt by sick bastards like Sandusky will come out and hopefully see them brought to justice. The other is that some people’s lives are shaken like snow globes.
2. Tim Tebow
TSH — All Tim Tebow does is say nice things, win football games, thank God, and anger football fans across the nation. He’s not a “real quarterback” because he likes to hold onto the pigskin rather than throw it to his teammates. Because of this, and Denver’s decision to make him their starting quarterback, we’ve all been robbed of witnessing real football throwing that the other 31 teams have agreed to showcase for us. Therefore, it’s completely reasonable to hate the guy.
CRM — Last night was immensely fun. Sure, I didn’t watch the first three quarters of the game, but I assume the first three quarters were just as dramatic and action packed as the final Broncos drive.
3. John Amaechi’s Scintillating Interview
TSH — There just haven’t been too many professional athletes, current or retired, that can deliver an interview quite like the one John Ameachi gave us earlier this week, so it deserves to be mentioned. Can ESPN please hire this guy? I would much rather hear his thoughts on the NBA as opposed to Magic Johnson’s partially coherent words on how something happening in the NBA relates to his championship days with the Lakers and renowned battles with Larry Bird.
CRM — The Magic had so many memorable big men in their short history. Shaq. Tree Rollins. John Amaechi. Greg Kite. The list goes on. I would also prefer Amaechi to most of the currently employed NBA retirees. He’s certainly more palatable than Shaq.
CRM — With the Marlins on the verge of signing everyone who has ever made an All-Star team, I’m not all that worried about the extra wild card spot. Maybe in 2035 when they finally have a down year they’ll compete for the second wild card spot in the NL. Other than that, it’s quaint that an extra team will get in. Hopefully it’s the Yankees and the Red Sox.
5. NBA Lockout
TSH — I had foolishly forgotten about college hoops. I’m all set. We hardly knew ye, NBA.
CRM — COME BACK YOU SELFISH ASSHOLES! Get back here and do some damn negotiating. Why? Why can’t these people just figure it out. I guess I’m just as dumb as everyone involved because I just can’t understand why they can’t get enough done to have a season.
Honorable Mention
There’s a scandal involving Penn State … Blue Jays clothing glory … Orioles hat glory … a fucking hat!
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Last Week’s Query Poll Results:
Eating Gummi Worms comfortably defeated discussing the Kansas City Chiefs with Jason Lisk-istic by a score of 117-38.
Query of the Week…
[poll id=”314″]
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TSH — Before pressing that rather large button on Snooki’s left wrist, you must shout “no whammies, no whammies, no whammies, stop!”
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The Rumored Workout Jam of Stephen Douglas
[Photos via Getty]