There’s no greater sin in NCAA circles than providing student-athletes with “improper benefits,” unless said benefits stem from bowl game sponsors. Handing out free gifts to black kids makes it feel like they are running a real charity, instead of a graft den. Here’s a look at this year’s handouts.
Gildan New Mexico Bowl: New Mexico: where wearing a pair of Oakley’s is still cool. Cowboys and Owls will receive an Oakley Eyepatch 2, an Oakley beanie and an Oakley Flak Pack 3.0.
Famous Idaho Potato Bowl: North End winter coat, Kombi gloves and a Nike beanie: perfect kids forced to travel to Idaho, in December. Ohio and Utah State kids will also get an Ogio Fugitive backpack, great to carry home their Big Game souvenir football.
R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl: A Samsung Galaxy tablet, perfect to remind everyone you don’t have an iPad.
Beef O’Brady’s Bowl: Florida International and Marshall players will get a Playstation 3, and an Oakley Eyepatch 2 and backpack duffel combo. They will also get a mini-helmet and a 35 percent chance of getting kicked off the practice field for a gratuitous Craig James workout segment.
S.D. County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl: Best Buy gift card that MUST BE SPENT DURING THE TEAM’S OFFICIAL VISIT.
Sheraton Hawaii Bowl: Nevada and Southern Miss players will get sunglasses, an aloha shirt, beach shorts, a t-shirt, a cap or visor (not both), a backpack, beach towels, and a bowl calendar. Things you could use in Hawaii. Also, playing cards for the flight home.
Little Caesars Pizza Bowl: A Timely Watch co. watch, a duffel bag and a commemorative football. All pale in comparison to the once-in-a-lifetime experience of spending Christmas away from your family at a moderate hotel in Detroit.
Belk Bowl: Players get $400 to spend at the Belk flagship store in Charlotte. That’s a lot of generic department store clothing.
Military Bowl: Toledo and Air Force players will get a Kindle Fire, an iPod nano with wristband, a watch, a beanie and a Nike backpack. Northrop Grumman, with billions of dollars in government contracts, shockingly had some extra money to throw around.
New Era Pinstripe Bowl: “Bowl committee would not disclose details about participants’ gifts.” Because they are the Yankees and they’re dicks.
Meineke Car Care Bowl of Texas: 32-inch flatscreen TV. And, of course, a belt-buckle.
Hyundai Sun Bowl: A Helen of Troy hairdryer, on every college football player’s wishlist.
AutoZone Liberty Bowl: Nike training shoes, Nike sport sandals, Nike sunglasses and Nike backpack. All items will be confiscated by an Adidas rep when Cincinnati players arrive home and replaced with gaudier, bedazzled legacy versions.
[Photo via Getty]