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Weekly Top Five: Albert Pujols, Chris Paul, the Marlins, Tim Tebow, and Other Stuff

Each week Stephen Teach-Me-How-To Douglas and I will recap some of the bigger stories from the lively week in athletics. It’s a completely original idea that we started over 23 months ago. Every time this post appears, a bunch of people start throwing pretzels at Whitey Ford. As always, please remember to be as irrational as possible when interacting with your fellow TBL commenters.

It’s worth noting that every man on the planet wants to play the boob bongos on Paulina Gretzky.

1. Chris Paul, Chris Paul, Chris Paul
TSH —
NBA stars belong in big markets because casual fans don’t care about small market teams. The NBA will always have the diehard fans so the real key is to entice those who tune in for the sizzle. See: Heat, Miami. The owners didn’t do the league any favors by vetoing the Chris Paul trade last night, but perhaps David Stern feels that CP3 is best suited for the New York Knicks.

CRM — This is among the things that I completely missed during my drive from NYC to Albany last night. (Jetsetter brag? Check.) I got home and saw that Chris Paul wasn’t a Laker, I thought, “Duh.” Then I saw he was for a brief moment and I was all, “Whaaa!?” Then I saw what had happened with the league vetoing the trade and I was like, “That shit cray!” Seriously though – that stuff is pretty fucked.

1a: Farewell Community…

2. Albert Pujols to the Angels
TSH — Undies Albert played 11 tremendously productive seasons for the Cardinals and carried himself in a respectable manner as the clear face of the organization. They also won the World Series twice during that span. If he never played another game he would still be a first ballot Hall of Famer. So try and keep your pants on, Cardinal fans. You’re acting obnoxious and self-entitled, like a bunch of Spaulding Smails clones.

CRM — Sooooo close! Luckily, Pujols will be 58 or something by the time his contract ends. for now the Marlins get the smiling Jose Reyes. As long as Hanley makes nice and drives in runs, we don’t need Pujols. As for St. Louis, it sucks that they lose Pujols. He did seem like one of those guys that could spend a career in one city. The fact that he walked away for a few extra million and the chance to DH in a couple years is pretty shitty.

3. Tim Tebow’s Tebow Time Starring Tim Tebow
TSH —
CBS and NBC fought over Tim Tebow this week. Everyone on Twitter fought about Tim Tebow this week. Everyone fights about Tim Tebow every week. Why? Because it’s Tim Tebow, the CEO of moving the needle. If you aren’t rooting for Tim Tebow to make the playoffs, along with the rest of the Broncos, you must deeply despise spectacles. I strongly suggest changing that up and embracing the colorful chaos.

CRM — Fucking Tebow man. What can you do? It doesn’t matter that he kind of sucks because he’s got that winning magic. I’m OK with that. At first I was rooting for his failure, but now I just enjoy watching how he somehow wills his team to victory ever week. What can you do?

4. The Miami Marlins
TSH — They’re baaaaaaaack. But is this really how it’s going to be? The Marlins have done this before. If they truly become a team that consistently spends big each year, I will welcome it like a bulbous set of tits. The Hot Stove wasn’t even turned on until these guys showed up in Dallas with their grapefruits.

CRM — I’m still adjusting to the Miami thing. The new uniforms kill the thing that originally drew Kid CRM to the team – teal. I guess when you only have 2 World Series titles in your history, a change of name and color scheme is acceptable. Now we’ve signed a bunch of good players and can try to actually win again.

5. Something About the NFL
TSH — Sunday night in Dallas is where we find out if the Giants plan on making the playoffs. I’m counting on NBC for a healthy helping of Jerry Jones pacing in his suite while his son, who looks like Jerry with a black wig, nervously looks on.

CRM — The NFL needs to play Thursday games all season. That is all.

Honorable Mention
Little Spurrier Urban Riley has morons for parentsTim McCarver somehow honored … a fucking hat!

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Last Week’s Query Poll Results:
Having Clark Griswold carve your Thanksgiving turkey over Cliff Huxtible was the preference of many. Final score: 105-46.

Query of the Week…

[poll id="316"]

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This Week in Retarded Pictures of Snooki

TSH — Snooki’s new fragrance is somehow not called A Slice of Beef Curtains. And yes, she definitely got a rack extension.

CRM — Snu snu?

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One of the Best Songs Ever Sung

[Photos via Getty, The Superficial]

 

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