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Weekly Top Five: NFC Championship, AFC Championship, and Stuff That Matters Less

Each week Stephen Teach-Me-How-To Douglas and I will recap some of the bigger stories from the lively week in athletics. It’s a completely original idea that we started over two years ago. Every time this post appears, a rogue pretzel begins Tebowing. As always, please remember to be as irrational as possible when interacting with your fellow TBL commenters.

Pictured at right is some blonde walking the worst dog on earth.

1. Giants at 49ers
TSH — The Niners and Giants have played some incredible playoff games, with a couple absurd blowouts sprinkled in. It’s very nostalgic for me. The memories of many of those games were when the NFL was as important as Nintendo. The countless highs and lows are as if they happened yesterday. So the selfish hope is that Fox does something creative on Sunday, like have Pat Summerall do the intro for the game with a John Madden “this is what’s it’s all about” spliced into the montage.

CRM — These were the two teams I pledged allegiance to as a child. The Giants were my father and grandfather’s team. The 49ers were a team I grew to love because of how awesome they were. After the Jim Druckenmiller era, I walked away and vowed to do nothing but hate on all professional football teams while continuing to love the sport. This weekend, I root for change.

2. Ravens at Tom & The Bill
TSH — Have I mentioned that this Sunday, of the 52 Sundays in a given year, I will be at some restaurant in New Jersey at 6pm — one that’s an hour from Manhattan — that contains a total of zero televisions? The occasion happens to be for a great, family-related reason, but that doesn’t change the fact that it feels like it’s raining asteroids. So do I turn off my phone — which will be very difficult for me to do — and DVR the Niners-Giants game, and just start it up when I get home? Or suck it up, follow updates on Twitter, and then get to a TV as fast as possible to catch most of the second half? I realized I’ve just strayed off topic: Pats 24, Ravens 17.

CRM — This isn’t a game, it’s a damn race war. Now let me tell you the top 50 reasons this game is like Season 3 of The Wire.

3. Shaq Has Ruined Inside The NBA
TSH — Shaq was presumably brought in by TNT because he’s “wacky” and “says what’s on his mind.” Well so does Charles Barkley, with the stark difference being that Chuck has the ability to convey clear, insightful thoughts about basketball with a splash of humor and candor. The perfect example would be last night where he discussed the difference in LeBron’s game when Wade isn’t on the floor. Shaq just seems like he would be better served hosting something like “Yo Momma.” He simply doesn’t appear comfortable in the panel setting. He’s hesitant, choppy, and incomplete. Chris Webber would have rounded out the Four Horseman quite nicely. It’s really unfortunate.

CRM — Inside The NBA used to be one of the best shows on television. It was certainly the best sports program. The addition of Shaq – if you can call it an addition – has been a disaster. And while we’re at it, Kenny’s big picture board stinks too. Get rid of Shaq. Bring back Webber. Let the guys do what they do best – TALK.

4. Fausto Carmona – If That’s Even Your Real Name …
TSH — In a related story, Derek Jeter’s real name is Cornelius Thunderbottoms.

CRM — In the Dominican Republic, “Fausto Carmona” means “hello.” Anyong.

5. Taylor Hall Takes A Skate To The Face
TSH — This photo is exactly why hockey players are awesome. If Roger Goodell happened to be commish, he would have fined Hall $25,000 for allowing someone to skate on his head, another $50,000 for not wearing a helmet, and probably another $15,000 for sporting a black eye that frightens small children.

CRM — The video didn’t show the skate hitting Hall’s face. The picture doesn’t show any blood. None of that matters. We know what happened and I can’t not picture seeing it or what it would have been like if it had happened to me.

Honorable Mention
Ruben the puppy! … Muay Thai knockout is filthy, painful … a fucking hat!

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Last Week’s Query Poll Results:
Signing Bon Jovi’s “Livin’ on a Prayer” with Tim Tebow or Marilyn Manson’s “The Beautiful People” with Tom Brady ended in … a tie? 82-82. Whoever who didn’t vote, go change that, please.

Query of the Week…

[poll id="318"]

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This Week in Retarded Pictures of Snooki

TSH — Remember how Snooki used to look? She was the greatest Garfield goblin ever.

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Alwayz Into Somethin’ (video is amazing as the song)

[Photos via Getty]

 

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