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Weekly Top Five: Wilt, LeBron, UCLA, Simmons and Obama, and Other Stuff

Each week Stephen “Bust Her” Douglas and I will recap some of the bigger stories from the lively week in athletics. It’s a completely original idea that we started over two years ago. Every time this post appears, something happens at Ye Olde Abortion Clinic. As always, please remember to be as irrational as possible when interacting with your fellow TBL commenters.

Yeah, that’s Kate Upton. Again.

1. Wilt Chamberlain

TSH — Fifty years ago today the great Wilt Chamberlain scored 100 points for the Philadelphia Warriors in a win over the New York Knicks. During that historic season, he averaged an obscene 50 points and 25 rebounds a game. Perhaps Chamberlain’s storied reputation for bedding every female on the planet including your mom tends to overshadow just how dominant he was on the court. What an amazing player.

CRM — Wilt Chamberlain is one of the few players who is just synonymous with the game of basketball. Of course, he’s also synonymous with fuckin’. He’s an American legend.

2. LeBron James is Ridiculous

TSH — LeBron James is playing out of his mind and should run away with the MVP. But since he reportedly does things like command waiters to cut his steak for him, the voting will probably end up closer than it should be. And don’t say it’s too early, the man is on a mission and I don’t see anything slowing him down. [Heat fans may now prepare a biting batch of hate mail so it's ready to send once Bronnie goes down with an injury. Apologies for the jinx.]

CRM — LeBron is the most talented basketball player on the planet and one of the top 5 passers in the history of the game. Have you looked at LeBron’s career numbers? His worst season was 20.9 points, 5.9 assists and 5.5 rebounds. He was 19.

3. UCLA “Scandal”

TSH — Did Reeves Nelson gather Tyler Honeycutt’s clothes into a pile and proceed to urinate on them? We may never know, but pissing on something you’re not supposed to piss on, particularly someone else’s bed, is a signature part of the college experience. I don’t see why this is a big deal.

CRM — You can be rest assured that the O’Bannon brothers would not have put up with any of this bullshit.

4. A.J. Burnett, Officially a Pirate

TSH — Fracturing an orbital bone sounds awfully painful, but it’s still difficult for me to detach the humor of Burnett being traded to the Pirates and immediately suffering an injury that will keep him out 8 weeks. It’s going to be terribly sad day when the Pirates are no longer the best, most reliable comedian in all of baseball.

CRM — That must have hurt like a mofo. I’ll always remember Burnett being on a championship team in Florida and then sucking in New York. That’s how all baseball players should be remembered. 

5. Bill Simmons & President Obama

TSH — I really enjoyed most of this interview. When you stop for a minute or two and think about Bill Simmons and his astronomical rise to the top of the mountain, it’s truly a remarkably inspiring story. But come on, Bill, no tie at the White House? I very much prefer the suit with no tie look when you can get away with it, but you’re sitting down with the President of the United States. Come on, brother, dress accordingly.

CRM — 25 minutes? Who is Obama kidding? Dude plays basketball every day and he can’t take a full hour out of his schedule for Simmons? What an up and down weekend for Simmons and Grantland. The Malice at the Palace piece was awesome and Simmons sat down with the President. On the other hand, Grantland couldn’t get media credentials for the Duke-Carolina game.

Honorable Mention

Michel Beasley, thoughtful teammate … a fucking hat!

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Last Week’s Query Poll Results:

Was the shortlived Jeremy Lin-themed ice cream from Ben and Jerry’s racist? Apparently yes, by a score of 96-77.

Query of the Week…

[poll id="325"]

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This Week in Retarded Pictures of Snooki

TSH — Snooki’s pregnant. Whether it’s a boy or girl, she shall name it Rikishi. Additionally, missing from Snooki’s gigantic square earrings are two overly chatty parrots.

CRM — She’s going to look like an animal print fitness ball in 6 months.

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Forgotten Anthem

[Photos via The Superficial]

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