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Game of Thrones: The Night Lands Recap

Game of Thrones is so expansive that every week, some of the major players need to be left on the shelf. This week, The King in the North (*hushed chorus* The King in the North) and King Joffrey were completely absent. (If you miss Joffrey as much as I do, click this link. Yeah, that’s the stuff.) That’s the best and worst thing about the Game of Thrones universe. There are so many damn characters that not everyone can be featured every week. Oh well, let’s see what everyone was up to this week.

Dany – No dragons last night. Just Jorah and the rest of her camp kind of starving to death. Sorry for the loss of one of her most badass riders.

Double-Peephole – “You’ve got something on your chin,” would have been a decent line. Little Finger’s brothel was an interesting scene last night, wasn’t it? The corporate overlords probably would have nixed any gifs from that portion of the program, so we left them out.

Arya - On the King’s Road with her new friend Gendry. Arya is one of the main characters that only gets a single scene. Is she going to make it home? Will she have to run? Will she join Emo Jon Snow at Castle Black?

Gendry – I think Gendry and Arya should run away and get married and become a totally badass king and queen. Seriously though, these two are kind of amusing together.

Tyrion Lannister – Seriously. ALL OF THE AWARDS. I’m pretty sure Tyrion Lannister goes through emotions you and I have never heard of. Twice last night he was pushed, pushed back and was then pushed again. No matter how much smarter Tyrion is than everyone else, some people refuse to back down. And Cersei… Well, that was just mean.

Stannis Baratheon – Got some. If that’s how you find religion…

Ned Stark – Still dead. Dammit Ned.

Theon Greyjoy -The Prodigal Son Returns [To Get Shit Upon]. Theon was borderline hilarious last night. He returned to the Pyke like a proud peacock and absolutely was impressed. Plus, he kind of fingered his sister on a horse.

Balon Greyjoy – Geez dad. Good to see you too.

Yara Greyjoy - Weird sense of humor, but apparently has a VISA Iron card.

Salladhor Saan – We have our first pirate. And our first black guy? Salladhor has 30 ships and a plan to fuck the queen. Not bad for a pirate. Or the only black guy in the GOT universe.

Jon Snow - He does his best to help Samwell stay out of trouble, but then can’t help but follow Creepy Old Craster out into the woods to give a newborn boy to the White Walkers. Then he gets smashed in the head for his troubles.

Bronn – Commander of the City Watch! I don’t believe anyone saw this job opportunity in the cards when Bronn first helped Lady Stark arrest Tyrion at that inn last season. How far these two bros have come.

Joffrey Lannister – Even when he’s not in an episode, he’s still a dick.

The Men of the Night’s Watch – Your Gif of the Week. They hate to see ladies go, but love watching them walk away.

Previously: Game of Thrones Recap: The North Remembers
Previously: Game of Thrones Epic First Season

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