Yardwork: Jamie Moyer Becomes Oldest Pitcher to Notch a Major League Win

I really hate to throw soggy, half-eaten Pop Tarts on everyone’s tension-free Conga line, but is a 49-year-old pitcher that throws a 37 mph fastball really that special? I guess it is, because Jamie Moyer was the winning pitcher of a baseball game as he closes in on the half-century mark, but does beating the Padres really count? That’s like stealing Martin Gramatica’s girlfriend. Fun and enjoyable, but a little too easy.

“I didn’t think about this day because I thought it would be unfair to my teammates and the game,” said Moyer. “To me, it was more important that I won for this team.”

Glad we finally go this over with. And yes, Jamie Moyer ran against George Washington for president of student council in 7th grade. Hilarious!!!

Marlins 5, Cubs 2 — Ozzie’s back. Sadly, because of his early mishap, he’ll probably be on extra special behavior for the remainder of the season. Let’s hope I’m wrong.

Rangers 18, Red Sox 3 — Mike Napoli hit two runs and happily drank everyone’s milkshake while admiring his chin-strap beard on the jumbotron.

Brewers 5, Dodgers 4 — The Dodgers have fallen to 9-2. Right here is where no matter what I say, fans of this dreadful franchise remove their Fundees and begin waving them above their head in a vicious protest.

Cardinals 2, Reds 1, 10 innings — Kyle Lohse pitched seven scoreless innings, allowing just four hits. The National League is adorable.

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