RIP Renly – I did not expect the smoke monster (or Shadow Stannis) to pay off this quickly. Or to be so… brutally effective. Murdering Renly was so easy that I felt like yelling, “No fair! That’s cheating!” when Stannis came on screen later. You will be missed Renly. Especially by the Knight of Rainbows and Butterflies.
[Former Queen] Margaery – Not sure who Lord Baelish thinks he’s going to hook Anne Boleyn up with, but she wants to be THE Queen.
Ned Stark – Ned’s shadow looms large over just about every character in this show. Was no one besides Ned Stark happy with their lot in life? Everyone wants to be something more. Either way, you die.
Cersei – What a cunt. That being said, she’s a worth rival of Tyrion because whenever they argue, I hate her so much.
Stannis – Cheater! Even his pirate friends are starting to have second thoughts about this Melisandre magic.
Qarth – Lady Gaga’s home in the Seven Kingdoms.
The Sea Bitch – A motley crew if I’ve ever seen one. The war has barely begun and their captain is already going rogue.
Theon – Still having those awkward arguments with his sister. Can we get odds on them actually having sex before one of them dies? They’re the Sam and Diane of Game of Thrones.
Catlyn – Lady Catlyn has a bodyguard, and a fairly capable one at that.
Brienne – Does she know that Renly didn’t swing that way? She might as well have been in love with The Wall.
Dany – Already fielding new suitors. This one has a big safe. If Dany really wants to get in there all she needs is Eddie Murphy, Precious and the less-successful Affleck. Meanwhile she’ll send her handmaiden to find out more about Xaro by making men happy. What man wouldn’t talk in that situation?
Xaro – I can’t say I’m surprised to learn he wasn’t born and raised in Qarth.
Tywinn Lannister – He’s an imposing character, but making the little sister of the King in the North (*the King in the North*) his cup bearer might be his undoing.
Jon Snow – Snow finally gets his wish to go off with the Rangers to do some ass-kicking. Is his real motive to get away from a silly-in-love Sam? Perhaps.
Dragons – They’re learning tricks! That’s so cute! And to think, someday they will lay waste to entire cities like they were tiny pieces of Kobe beef. I guess that’s not quite as adorable.
Previously: Game of Thrones: “Garden of Bones” Recap
Previously: Game of Thrones “What is Dead May Never Die” Recap
Previously: Game of Thrones: “The Night Lands” Recap
Previously: Game of Thrones Recap: “The North Remembers”
Previously: Game of Thrones Epic First Season