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If the 2012 Preakness Horses Were The Avengers, Who Would Be Their Favorite Characters From The Wire?

If all the horses in the 2012 Preakness were characters from the hit movie, The Avengers, which character would they be? And who would be their favorite character from The Wire? As a sports blogger, it is my duty to compare sports to popular culture in list form. Luckily, the Preakness horses were ordered from 1-11 so half my job is done. I just had to look at the characteristics of each thoroughbred and match them to an Avenger. The hard part was getting inside the brain of each Avenger to determine which character from The Wire was his – or her – favorite. The answers may surprise you.

Warning: There are some spoilers from The Wire contained in the paragraphs below. Don’t worry, I’ve helpfully written “(spoiler alert!)” whenever I’m about to reveal a significant plot point from The Wire. After all, the series finale of The Wire just aired on March 9, 2008. I think you guys deserve a chance to catch up!

1 — Tiger Walk (30-1) – Wasp
What? Yeah, that’s right. Wasp did not even make the Avengers movie. I’m stirring the pot right off the bat! Getting the debate started early! Of course, everyone knows that Wasp was… bitten by a radioactive wasp? Just a guess. Never heard of her. Well guess what? No one has ever heard of Tiger Walk either. They have a very similar origin story – Minus the radioactivity. Wasp is a long shot to be included in the next Avengers movie so she and Tiger Walk are kindred spirits. Don’t expect Tiger Walk to be the one to end the Triple Crown dreams of I’ll Have Another. (Question: Do horses dream?)

Wasp is only through season 1 of The Wire. That’s why I have to be so careful with spoilers. Wasp loves D’Angelo Barksdale. Wasp is confident that D’Angelo will be able to distance himself from his cousin and maybe get a GED while in prison. (spoiler alert!) Wasp is a dummy.

2 — Teeth of the Dog (18-1) – Black Widow
At 15-1, Teeth of the Dog isn’t the longest shot, but he’s far from a favorite. If you’ve seen The Avengers, you know that Black Widow is played by Scarlett Johnasson and she always wears tight leather outfits. Yes, this post includes a picture of Scarlett Johansson. You know who else wears tight leather outfits? Teeth of the Dog when he’s wearing a compression suit. I mean, look at that ass. Of course, I’m talking about the horse’s ass in that link. Not Scarlett Johansson’s ass.

You probably assume that Black Widow identifies with Snoop or maybe even Kima. That’s because you are racist. Don’t worry. So is the cast of Girls. Besides, this has nothing to do with what Avenger is which character from The Wire. This is “what is the favorite character from The Wire of each Avenger if they were a horse.”  Black Widow always roots for the good guys and she’s a fan of comic relief. That’s why she likes Roland Pryzbylewski the most. When Prezbo (spoiler alert!) punched Valchek at the end of season 2, Black Widow did a straight up fist pump. Valchek was always such a dick.

3 — Pretension (35-1) – Thing
You would think that Pretension would go with the Hulk because of Dr. Bruce Banner’s anger issues. However, the Hulk is awesome and thus would never be considered a 30-1 long shot to win a horse race. Thing is a lot like the Hulk in that they are both large. You may know Thing from the excellent Fantastic Four movies, but he was also a member of the Avengers and 7 other super hero teams in the Marvel Universe. I had no idea about any of that until I read it on Wikipedia just now. Amazing!

Thing is known for his famous battle cry, “It’s clobbering time,” which is the same thing that Chris Partlow said before (spoiler alert!) he beat Micheal’s father to death. That’s why Snoop was so surprised.

4 — Zetterholm (20-1) – Thor
Thor is kind of dorky. (Hello! Zetterholm much!?) I didn’t see his movie, but in The Avengers, he’s like some sort of Alien Captain America. He has a distinct idea of what is right and just. And he is pained to see his brother Loki try and wreck shop in a world he loves for a reason that is probably explained in his movie. That is so Zetterholm. Also, they have the same haircut.

Thor’s favorite character is Clay Davis. Thor doesn’t understand our silly human emotions, but he sure loves the way Clay Davis says, “Sheeeit.”

5 — Went the Day Well (6-1) – Hulk
If you’ve seen The Avengers, you know what I’m talking about right now. The Hulk was fucking awesome. Have you seen that (spoiler alert!) gif of the Hulk smashing Loki in The Avengers? The first part of the movie was too long and drawn out, but when David Banner finally unleashes the big green guy the movie goes up a notch. That’s probably who Went the Day Well is going to win the Preakness. He’s not the favorite, but by the time the race ends he is all we will be talking about.

If this were a post that compared characters from The Wire to characters from The Avengers – which it totally is not –  Hulk would definitely be Jimmy McNulty. Coincidentally, Hulk loves Jimmy McNulty. (Worth noting: David Banner is a big fan of Lester Freamon.) It’s not so much that they identify with each other and are both pretty much indestructible, but Hulk just loves that character. One of David Banner’s favorite things to do when he wakes up in a pile of rubble is say, “The fuck did I do?”

6 — Creative Cause (7-1) – Captain America
The only two movies I had seen leading up to The Avengers were Iron Man and Captain America so I’m at least familiar with the back story Steve Rogers’ alter-ego. Captain America is a consummate favorite and should always be rooted for. (Have you seen Chris Evans shirtless?)  He stands for all that is good and pure! (Minus the steroids thing. So he’s like your favorite baseball player.) That is Creative Cause to a T. Also, they’re both big public favorites.

Being such a Goody Two-Shoes, Captain America of course loves Lieutenant Cedric Daniels. Captain America had second thoughts as (spoiler alert!) there were some allusions to some dirt in Daniels’ past, but by the end of the series, he decided that Daniels meant well.

7 — Bodemeister (17-10) – Loki
In previous races, Bodemeister has been known to wear a similar horned helmet to that which Loki wore in The Avengers. Bodemeister high odds were set when rumors surfaced that he would wear that helmet during the Preakness. I have it on good authority that he won’t wear it though.

Loki’s favorite character from The Wire is Ziggy. I know what you’re thinking – of course a white guy loves (spoiler alert!) Season 2. The thing is, Loki always wanted a pet, but his parents wouldn’t let him because Thor was allergic. When Ziggy buys the duck, Loki pretty much cries. He understands being an outsider. Loki and Ziggy were both such sad stories. Plus, they’re both white. Damn white people.

8 — Daddy Nose Best (14-1) – Hawkeye
Watching Hawkeye and Black Widow in a war against flying alien monsters was hilarious. One of them had a leather suit and a 9mm while the other had a bow and some arrows. Those two were so far below the Iron Man / Hulk / Captain America / Thor part of that team it was laughable. Daddy Nose Best has no super powers, but he too likes to chill in the loft.

Hawkeye’s loves season 4 and calls it the best season in the history of the medium. When asked to pick between the four kids, he couldn’t so he went with Tommy Carcetti. Hawkeye also has trouble separating Tommy Carcetti from Littlefinger on Game of Thrones.

9 — I’ll Have Another (5-2) – Iron Man
Tony Stark is a billionaire playboy and I’ll Have Another won the Kentucky Derby. While Stark would be bored to death speaking with I’ll Have Another (he is, after all, a horse) he does appreciate the fact that he wins. If there was a Superhero Triple Crown, Iron Man would surely want to win at all costs. Iron Man appreciates a winner.

Underneath the costume, Iron Man is an intelligent, affluent, white guy. Of course he’s going to tell you his favorite character is Omar Little.

10 — Optimizer (30-1) – Ant-Man
Ant-Man is another of the original Avengers that no one cares about these days. After finishing 11th in the Kentucky Derby, it is safe to say that no one cares about Optimizer either.

Ant-Man  doesn’t have a favorite character from The Wire. He’s never seen The Wire. That’s why Ant-Man is a shitty superhero and person. It’s no wonder he wasn’t in the Avengers movie. He doesn’t even have HBO and he’s just getting into the first season of The Killing. He thinks it’s great. I hate Ant-Man.

11 — Cozzetti (40-1) – Nick Fury
Nick Fury is like the coach of the Avengers. He has shown up in all the previous films recruiting superheros for the Avengers initiative. This is similar to what Cozzetti did when he traveled the country convincing all these other horses to appear in The Preakness. Neither are very fast compared to other horses.

Nick Fury’s favorite character is Stringer Bell. He identifies with his struggles trying to run a business with people constantly trying to shut him down. It’s annoying. Almost as annoying as having to sit through credits for extra scenes. The movie was two and a half fucking hours. I don’t need any Easter eggs.

The Wire / Preakness / Avengers Pick:
Win: Hulk
Place: Went the Day Well
Show: Jimmy McNulty

[Photoshops by Rex Kramer Danger Seeker, Updated Odds via Bovada]

After Credits Bonus Scene!

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