Game of Thrones: "Valar Morghulis" Recap

Tyrion – Of course the season had the shittiest ending for the best character. Tyrion should be a hero and they left him for dead? Even for the Lannisters, that’s bullshit. Stannis would hold the Iron Throne if it wasn’t for Tyrion. Shouldn’t his father at the very least show a little appreciation for his son? After all this, is Tyrion still a bastard to his father?

Bronn – No Bronn – Tyrion scene? That is also bullshit. We couldn’t get another 5 minutes?

Tywin Lannister – Two straight weeks he had the ballin’est entrance into a throne room possible. Having your horse take a dump as the doors open certainly makes a statement. The Godking Grandfather should add a new dynamic to King’s Landing.

Joffery – His entire attitude seemed a little different. Maybe that was a relieve Joffery because he still has his head and his throne. Or maybe Jack Gleeson was a little less method that day. He said the right things when initially given the opportunity to upgrade from Sansa to Lady Margaery. That takes some conviction.

Sansa – 30 seconds of happiness.

Ros – Whores in Game of Thrones have great range. They can become the love of the Hand of the King, an important spy or get sodomized for Joffery’s enjoyment.

Brienne – She and Jaime remain a great duo. Especially now that Jaime has seen her do work.

Robb Stark – Every good season finale has a wedding. I think 6 seasons of Friends ended with a wedding. Surprised HBO didn’t play up Robb Stark’s nuptials in the ads.

Stannis – How did they get him out of King’s Landing? Also, is Stannis Baratheon going to have to choke a bitch?

The Hound – Miss you, Dog.

Theon Greyjoy – What a great speech and a tremendous episode for Theon. This was also a very confusing part of the finale. Are Robb’s people really outside? Theon said he saw them. Who was blowing the horn? How are the Iron Islanders going to get out of there? Were they turning Theon over? Why did they kill Maester Luwin? There is no conceivable explanation for the Iron Islanders burning Winterfell to the ground and going home with Theon.

It’s become increasingly clear just how important fire is. Wildfire is unstoppable. The only thing that can stop a Whitewalker is fire. A powerful, magical warlock can be set on fire in his home – “The House of the Undying” btw – in a hot minute and be destroyed.

Oh, it also felt awesome to watch Jorah and the Dothraki sack Qarth. Did we know there was more than one Dotraki warrior still in Qarth? It’s almost like the first 90% of the season where Dany and her storyline was boring and stupid and boring and boring never happened. #wardragons

Ducksauce – He had so much money and jewels, he needed to buy a safe. The safe cost the exact amount he had to protect. Oops.

Khal Drogo – Even when he’s a teary, stay-at-home ghost dad, he’s still pretty badass.

Jaqen H’ghar – What’s going on here!? No, don’t tell me. Little known fact – Kevin Durant is from Braavos.

Arya – Why didn’t she just go with Jaqen? Her family members will just get her into more trouble.

Podrick Payne – This young squire deserves some credit for saving Tyrion. Good job young fella.

Whitewalkers – Well… shit. These things are fairly terrifying.

The problem with any season finale in a serialized show like this is that there are so many questions that won’t be answered until next season. Or never. (/glares at LOST) I suppose I could read the books, but I’m a very busy man. I’ll just have to suffer until… winter and war and dragons are here next Spring.

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