Baseball fans of all shapes and sizes have always been able to come together in the interest of embracing fat pitchers. In fact, I’m guessing most people find themselves visibly upset when their favorite Major League Baseball team lacks a good portly pitcher. Come to think of it, even teams I’ve consistently loathed over the years, like the Red Sox, have never stopped me from openly adoring pitchers like Rich Garces, better known to the world as the endlessly charismatic El Guapo.
So in the interest of some fatty fun, please join me in celebrating the ultimate fat man pitching staff for 2012.
Note: Probably best to add a good 20 to 30 pounds to each player’s listed weight.
Bartolo Colon, A’s, 5’11, 267 — Any pitcher under six feet tall and pushing 300 pounds who also happens to resemble Andre the Giant, Captain Louis Albano and the Samoan Brothers should be a hero in everyone’s book. Simply put, it’s impossible not to love Bartolo Colon. In May, he turned 39-years-old. Give this man a cheesesteak wrapped in a pizza.
CC Sabathia, Yankees, 6’7, 290 — CC often reminds me of the happy fat kid, always smiling and always content, as though the ice cream man had made multiple stops on his block that day. He’s very similar to Colon in that it’s difficult for anyone not to enjoy the presence of the affable giant. Bonus points for the spray-painted pork chops.
Joe Blanton, Phillies, 6’3, 244 — The name alone, without any other information, gives away the fatness. There’s absolutely no way a guy named Joe Blanton could be skinny.
Carlos Zambrano, Marlins, 6’4, 275 — Typically more associated with anger than heftiness, but at 6’4 and a whopping 275, it’s hard to leave a guy named Big Z out of the starting rotation. That’s more or less Charles Barkley’s unofficial height and unofficial playing weight during his heyday in Philly and Phoenix.
Livan Hernandez, Brewers, 6’2, 245 — Hasn’t pitched for the Brewers since July 7, so who knows if he’s still in Milwaukee. The important thing to note is that Hernandez and his large caboose have been in the majors for 17 seasons, playing for 10 different teams. That’s pretty remarkable for someone who has never appeared to be even remotely in shape, and also because he’s listed as being 37-years-old, which obviously translates to at least 47.
Joba Chamberlain, Yankees, 6’2, 230 — Joba is best known for experiencing a momentous Jeremy Lin-like ride in New York and then quickly bottoming out, likely to the point he routinely fell asleep with half-eaten bags of Funyuns resting on his ever-growing gut. A sensible DUI, a trampoline mishap, and a sea of injuries have led to anything but 230 pounds. The former fan favorite in the Bronx has regrettably transformed himself into a hypnotizing hybrid of Tony Soprano and Giovanni Ribisi.
Vicente Padilla, Red Sox, 6′, 232 — Angrily plunks hitters like it’s a bodily function and routinely sweats raging rivers, all while maintaining a hefty playing weight of 232 (has to be 250+ at this point). Supposedly related to the plant from “Little Shop of Horrors.”
Todd Coffey, Dodgers, 6’4, 240 — Just sounds like a fat guy.
Jonathan Broxton, Royals, 6’4, 300 — Two major league players, Everett Teaford and Tim Collins, once fit into a pair of Broxton’s pants. I’m pretty sure said pants are roomy enough to house approximately 23 Ken Rosensquirrels. Officially listed at 300 pounds, he is without a doubt the captain of this team, and deservedly so.
Matt Capps, Twins, 6’2, 245 — Once famously joined forces with Newman and Kramer on a sausage making expedition. Sadly, Capps currently resides on the disabled list with a right rotator cuff irritation and a severe case of clubhouse-clearing gas.
I’ll allow Ron Gardenhire and Mike Scioscia to settle this one with a ladder match and a delicious turkey suspended directly above it.
Best Available Free Agent Fatty
Bobby Jenks, 6’4, 275 — Jenks is currently a free agent, thanks in part to a disastrous DUI in Ft. Myers back in late March while a member of the Red Sox. The guess is he hasn’t been spending most of his free time at the gym, and instead has allowed his bulbous butt-cheeks to make love to the cushions of his couch. At this point, Jenks has to be well over 300 pounds with a sultry pair of crowd-pleasing knockers.
Previously: Some of the Best Nicknames in MLB History
Previously: 10 MLB Players Who Would be Great to Have a Beer With