A College Football Christmas Carol
By Ty Duffy
Christmas is coming. Charles Dickens’ “A Christmas Carol” is a holiday classic. Here is our casting of characters from college football.
Ebenezer Scrooge [Nick Saban] The choice was more obvious than Les Miles’ dye job. The coach most likely to approach population questions in a Malthusian fashion? Saban. The coach most likely to exhibit a cold indifference to his fellow man? Saban. The coach most tormented by and obsessed with professional success? Saban. The coach most likely to quibble about an underling’s coal consumption? Saban.
Bob Cratchit [Mike Riley] Bob Cratchit is a humble, nice man, toiling with his meager resources in the background in a profession fit for sharks. Barring a Bill Stewart-like twist, Mike Riley seems to be his clear college football parallel.
Tiny Tim [Manti Te’o] Tiny Tim is relentlessly positive amidst of immense personal turmoil. He inspires others. He’s impossible to root against. He presents a redeeming picture of humanity despite contrary evidence. Hard to find someone more fitting than Manti Te’o.
Fred [Derek Dooley] Fred is a member of the Scrooge family tree. He is full of fluff and positive rhetoric. He is steadily persistent in the face of failure. Scrooge far outstrips him in professional success. Screams Dooley.
Jacob Marley [Houston Nutt] Marley is a ghoulish figure, no longer active in the profession and weighed down by his unsavory past. Maybe there’s a more accurate parallel, but the picture of Houston Nutt wailing and rattling chains amuses us.
The Ghost of Christmas Past [Bill Snyder] The Ghost of Christmas Past is a slight ephemeral figure, bedecked with magical powers and representing all that is innocent and wise. It is a stickler for details, however uncomfortable. Bill Synder it is.
The Ghost of Christmas Present [Les Miles] The Ghost of Christmas Present is decadent, larger than life and speaks in a weird, somehow perfect dialect. Come in! And know Les Miles better, man!
The Ghost of Christmas Future [Mark Dantonio] Mark Dantonio has the grim eyes and dour humor of a man who summers on the River Styx. He’ll bring his own hooded robe. No makeup required.
Charles Dickens [Brent Musburger] We need a charming narrator with a firm knowledge of the facts at hand and a discernible bias toward a certain outcome. Musburger it is.
[Photoshop via Shamburger]