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Game of Thrones: "Valar Dohaeris" Recap

Game of Thrones! Talk about a long winter, am I right? It has been nearly 10 full months since we last saw our friends (and enemies) and in some cases, a lot has changed. We didn’t get to see Arya or if Hodor can still lift Bran, but a good portion of the characters showed up to let us know how things are going. So let’s just right in and please don’t be a dick about spoilers. Thanks.

Samewell TarleyYou had one job.

Jon Snow – Still a man without a country. Who knows what is going on in his head. Does he want to get back to The Wall? Does he really want to be free? Does this count as free? And won’t Mance Rayder and his army battle the White Walkers too at some point? This is the same problem these guys have on The Walking Dead. Everybody should be trying to kill the undead. People be shoppin’ I guess.

A Freaking Giant! I have seen dragons and witchcraft and the undead who can only be killed by fire, but I was still totally, “HOLY CRAP A GIANT! LOOK AT IT!”

Mance Rayder – Hey, it’s Julius Caesar, the King Beyond the Wall. He’s no Lord of Bones, but what can you do?

Ser Bronn – He’s been knighted you know.

Tyrion – Poor, poor Tyrion. I imagine this is much closer to the way his life has always been. Despised by his family, with nothing to do all day. Does his Tywin wonder why Tyrion did nothing but drink wine and sleep with the finest whores the Seven Kingdoms had to offer?

Cersei – Still a raging Bitch. She seems jealous and bitter of everyone.

Joffery – Still just a regular bitch.

Lady Margaery – We didn’t see much of Anne Boleyn last season – well, from a character developmental standpoint… – but here she is this season, tooling around with her future husband and helping out poor people. The people are going to love their new queen. She’s like Kate Middleton of Westeros. Can’t wait for people to start spreading baby bump rumors.

Dany & Dragons! – I never would have imagined dragons (Wait, Imagine Dragons?) would dive into the ocean for fish like a bird. I imagine birds would watch this and wish they could properly cook their dinner.

Dothraki – Would it have been too much for Dany to stop and pick up some Dramamine before she put her horse lords on the sea? They’re going to have to fill that ship with stones, sink it to the bottom of Blackwater Bay and soak it in Wildfire for a week to get the smell out.

Stannis – It occured to me during yesterday’s Season 2 marathon that Stannis raided King’s Landing without a helmet or a hat or a hoodie. No head protection. Curious since he’s already working with a bit less padding up there than most people.

Unsullied - So, these guys seem like they would be fun to hang out with. They are the exact opposite of the Dothraki. Not in the toughness department, but in the demeanor department. I wonder if Khal Drogo would cut off a nipple? They are evolutionarily unnecessary.

Translator – Hello, Nathalie Emmanuel.

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