New York Yankees Opening Day Roster, Courtesy of Comedians Brian Cashman and Joe Girardi

Without further uproarious laughter, here are your 2013 New York Yankees:

1. Brett Gardner, CF
2. Eduardo Nunez, SS
3. Robinson Cano, 2B
4. Kevin Youkilis, 1B
5. Vernon Wells, LF
6. Ben Francisco, DH
7. Ichiro Suzuki, RF
8. Jayson Nix, 3B
9. Francisco Cervelli, C

You could find more inspiration helplessly floating in a toilet.