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New York Yankees Opening Day Roster, Courtesy of Comedians Brian Cashman and Joe Girardi

The New York Yankees unfortunately open the 2013 Major League Baseball season this afternoon in the Bronx. Unless the storied organization has dedicated itself to an elaborately crafted April Fool’s joke, what you see below is actually Joe Girardi’s starting lineup. As you can tell, General Manager Brian Cashman didn’t throw band-aids on the team’s plethora of injuries, choosing instead to crop dust the locker room and walk out laughing like a thrilled hyena. After countless years of thankless work, you can hardly blame the guy.

Without further uproarious laughter, here are your 2013 New York Yankees:

1. Brett Gardner, CF
2. Eduardo Nunez, SS
3. Robinson Cano, 2B
4. Kevin Youkilis, 1B
5. Vernon Wells, LF
6. Ben Francisco, DH
7. Ichiro Suzuki, RF
8. Jayson Nix, 3B
9. Francisco Cervelli, C

You could find more inspiration helplessly floating in a toilet.

 

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