Here is this week’s opening. Sing along if you like.
Bran – So Bran is a Warg. I wonder if Tony Soprano was a Warg and that’s why we had all those stupid dream sequences in the Sopranos? Its something to think about.
Lady Margaery – She is good. Ready to do whatever it takes to make her future husband happy. Including some sadomasochistic stuff.
Jojen and Meera Reed – It’s Sam from Love, Actually! Presumably once he mastered the drum parts of All I Want For Christmas he decided to start using animals to see past, present and future, both near and far.
Jon Snow – With Ned Stark being (spoiler alert) dead for more than a season now, Jon Snow is the official “you’re so stupid!” character. My favorite part of every episode is the Ginger Wildling saying, “What? You’ve never heard of [insert magical creature or person here]!?”
Arya! – I missed Arya and hope Gendry eventually does something awesome, but Hot Pie I could take or leave.
The Hound – Not the most triumphant return for The Hound, but he did ruin someone’s day.
Tyrion – His family hates him and wants to kill him and he has to deal with Shae getting all jealous? Westeros Women be shopping ya’ll. Did Shae really get mad at Tyrion for having sex with a whore? Typical women stuff. Then getting mad at him for saying Sansa is pretty. Is Shae pregnant? Seriously. She was an emotional roller coast and her maternal instincts appear to be kicking in to take care of Sansa.
Joffery – This week’s proof that Joffery is the worst? He opposes gay marriage! Or at least the Seven Kingdoms version of opposing gay marriage. He’s thinking about making it punishable by death. If he goes after our Westeros weed next…
Theon - Things are not going so well for Theon at the moment, but fear not because the janitor is going to break him out. One question – why is there a custodian sweeping the torture room while they are torturing someone? Is that really something that needs to be done right now? I feel like hotel maid service rules should be in effect. Wouldn’t they hang a little sign on the doorknob that says, “Please come back later. We are torturing someone!”
Jaime and Brienne – The sexual tension finally came to a head and they finally fought. Jaime has been in handcuffs (and was still in handcuffs) for months, but he still held his own.
Cersei and Catelyn – Are all mothers this bitchy to their son’s girlfriends? Sheesh.
Programming note: I’m heading for the U.K. today. Next week I will be watching Game of Thrones from Scotland a day late. No promises.
Previously: Game of Thrones: “Valar Dohaeris” Recap