We have reached the top of The Wall. Have you ever noticed how a season of Game of Thrones is like a ladder? Metaphorically, I mean. Now we may look out over the final 4 episodes of Season 3 with great wonder.
Sam – Amazingly, this is not the most awkward first date ever. I mean, Sam is taking this girl and her baby on a road trip and her father / husband just died. Just goes to prove that as long as you can sing, you can successfully woo a girl.
Bran’s crew – Skinning rabbits and fighting and having seizures. This is a fun crew.
Jon Snow and Ygritte – Ross and Rachel, Sam and Dianne, Jim and Pam, Jon Snow and Ygritte…. I’m glad there is one good couple left on television.
Arya – Melisandre did her first interesting thing since giving birth to a smoke baby. Telling Arya that she saw her killing many people was creepy and awesome. I imagine Arya has mixed feelings herself.
Gendry – Meanwhile, Melisandre is totally going to put a baby in Gendry’s stomach.
Theon – I’m still not entirely sure who this weirdo is who is torturing Theon, but he makes for the most uncomfortable scenes every week. Since Theon serves no real purpose to anyone, I assume he’ll just go on being tortured for the rest of the series.
Lord of the Light – Finally, a definitive answer to who the one true god is. Who wants to burn religious texts with me? Wait, that actually sounds like a pretty fitting tribute to R’hllor.
Robb – Hard to ask your uncle to marry some troll’s daughter after you already said you would and then married a sexy nurse.
Queen of Thorns and Tywin Lannister – How did these two get so damn far in the world without they themselves doing anything wrong? The Queen of Thorns finally has an episode without talking about poo, but she calls her grandson a sword swallower so I guess that’s a push.
Jaime & Brienne – It appears their time together is coming to an end. Perhaps Peyton Manning will show up to encourage Jaime at future meals?
Sansa – We got the full gamut of emotions from Sophie Turner last night. First she’s getting to know her gay husband. Then she’s cluelessly trying on dresses. Then heartbreak. And that scene with Tyrion preparing to tell Sansa they have to get married in front of Shae? Even though I felt horrible for everyone involved, I couldn’t help but laugh. It was like a scene out of a sitcom.
Tyrion and Cersei – No matter how much siblings hate each other, they can still commiserate about what a jerk their father is.
Littlefinger – Vindictive little jerk, isn’t he? Even Varys seemed surprised by what a dick he was.
Ros – Goodbye fair, Ros. We will try to think about the good times. Like the nudity.
Joffery – He doesn’t even need a line to be the biggest asshole in the 7 kingdoms during an episode that saw torture, a brotherhood selling a brother and someone cutting a rope with two people hanging off it 600 feet in the air. He kills Ros with his crossbow and we find out that he ordered the hit on Tyrion. Here, we all need this right now.
Jon Snow and Ygritte – The only thing the final scene was missing was a heart shape zooming in as the scene zoomed out.