Jon Snow and Ygritte - Homeless Jack Sparrow wants Jon Snow’s lady. And Ygritte wants Jon Snow and maybe to be a comedian. I bet Ygritte’s act isn’t appreciated North of the Wall. Now that she’s in the South, they’re going to love her impressions of Jon Snow. I mean, he does sound like that, doesn’t he!
“You know nothing Jon Snow” count: 2.5
Robb Stark – King Robb’s boys can swim. And what a gene pool to go Michael Phelps-ing in. I’m sure Catlyn will have nothing but glowing things to say about her first grandchild.
Sansa – Maybe if someone sat her down and showed her the first two seasons she would know how awesome Tyrion is. Can we do that? I bet Margaery would do that.
Margaery – The way she perfectly tailors her approach to every other person in King’s Landing is impressive. She manipulates Joffrey who loves nothing but violence and then somehow makes Sansa OK with marrying Tyrion. “Yes, dummy. My mother taught me all about sex.”
Eyeliner – I am beginning to suspect that eyeliner is only available across the Narrow Sea. Everybody over there wears eyeliner, but not even the richest princesses have thick eyeliner in Westeros. Perhaps that is where Jon Snow is really from?
Bronn and Tyrion – Whichever person said, “You know what this season needs? Tyrion and Bronn just hanging out, drinking wine, shooting the shit.” YES. More of this. More of this forever.
“The evil notions come free.”
Tywin and Joffrey – Tywin still runs this town, but at some point Joffrey will just have him killed, right? If he has time, I mean. Because Kings have many important matters to attend to. Being King doesn’t leave much time for attending meetings or walking up stairs.
Dany- I could watch Dany negotiate and eventually lay waste to every city between here and King’s Landing and beyond.
Shae and Tyrion – The most heartbreaking scene. Poor, poor Shae. And poor Tyrion.
Cersei – DNP: Sulking about marrying a sword-swallower, probably.
Queen of Thorns: DNP: Pooping or talking about pooping, probably.
Jaime and Brienne Part 1 - The end of such an unlikely friendship… Or is it!?
Gendry and Melisandra – What in Seven Hells are they going to do at King’s Landing? How has no one previously mentioned to Gendry that he is probably the rightful heir to the Iron Throne?
Arya and… The Hound!? – This is already my new favorite pairing. I hope they spend the next 12 seasons roaming Westeros until it is just them, Dany and the Dragons and they decide to just chill together.
Bran - I’m bored of this group. All they do is talk about their feelings and eat rabbit.
Hodor - Hodor.
Theon – How can we torture Theon next? I know. First, they bring in a huge bucket of fresh cooked bacon. Let him eat a few delicious pieces and then bring in a bunch of the cutest, most adorable puppies in all of Westeros. Then dump the scalding bacon grease all over Theon and we find out that the puppies haven’t been fed in a week. So the cute puppies try to eat Theon.
Jaime and Brienne Part 2 – The similarities between the final Jaime and Brienne scene and the the bear fight scene in Anchorman are still cracking me up. The only thing missing was Jaime saying, “I immediately regret this decision,” and Hodor riding a furry tractor. I assume that was one of the parts that was in the book that HBO changed.
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