The end of this season with Dany felt like it should be some grand success. We did it! But what did we really do? Robb Stark is dead. Joffery is still the king. We reunited incestuous siblings. Our Dragon Queen took over a town full of former slaves. You would think we had gotten more done judging by the triumphant victory lap of a final scene with the soaring music and soaring dragons above what looked like a combination of scenes from World War Z and Evita.
To say the finale was a letdown after the last episode would be an understatement. Obviously the finale could never top the awesomeness that was The Red Wedding. If it had, there wouldn’t be any characters left for next season. However, this finale lacked the incredible cliff-hanger of the first two seasons. Season 1 ended with Dany emerging from the fire with three f***ing dragons. Season 2 ended with White Walkers. Season 3… not so much. As great as Dany is, I get it. Enough Dany worship. Make with the dragons!
This episode felt a lot more like the middle of a season than the end. Now we have to wait nine more months for the White Walkers to get to the wall. I was under the impression they had reached the damn wall a year ago.
The Hound & Arya — Arya is in serious need of counseling and The Hound is not much of a talker. Two of the three best parts of the episode involved this pairing and I can’t wait to see them next season.
Tyrion — The other great part of this episode unsurprisingly featured Peter Dinklage. His disagreements with Joffery are awesome. On the one hand, Tyrion is the only person who will speak freely to Joffrey. While Tywin still runs the show, he at least stays measured in his threats and responses to the king. It is great to watch, but also terrifying because Joffrey wants to kill Tyrion.
Sansa — I’m glad that Sansa and Tyrion are at least starting to get along. At least they were. The whole dead family thing might delay the birth of the new Warden of the North.
Shae — Awkward. Things are not going to work out for her.
Pod — More like Tri-Pod, am I right? Did you see the ladies giggle when Pod ran by? His job is to become a dunk.
Joffrey — What an amazing shithead. I hope Magaery makes him miserable with wedding planning. And where was Margaery the last couple weeks? Even The Red Wedding wouldn’t have seemed so bad if there was a silent 30-second scene of Margaery tasting cakes after Catelyn had her throat slit.
Tywin — How are all of the Lannisters now sympathetic and awesome? Minus King Dickhead of course. Now that Tywin has gotten rid of Robb, perhaps he should start focusing on the White Walkers and the Dragons?
Roose Bolton — Warden of the North. I didn’t even know this guy had a name until last episode. Now he’s got Ned Stark’s old job. And what is up with the guys in the North and their bastard sons. Not quite the same temperaments, but still both very special boys.
Hodor — Hoodooooooor!
Bran & Crew — “He killed a guest beneath his roof. That’s something the Gods can’t forgive.”
Walder Frey — Pomposity.
Theon Greyjoy Reek — So it turns out that Theon has been being tortured by the bastard son of Roose Bolton. The good news is that besides a new name, the loss of a penis and finding out who has been torturing him, his storyline doesn’t appear to be going anywhere!
Ramsay Snow — Sausage enthusiast. You have to admit that he and Theon have an undeniable chemistry in their scenes and I can’t wait for another season of torture. #saidnoone
Sam — “I’ve heard all about Hodor.”
Yara Greyjoy — Going to find her little brother. Who would have pegged a Greyjoy as the most badass and noble character heading into Season 4?
Gendry & Davos — Glad these two could catch up by talking about the old neighborhood.
Cersei — Nothing worse than a late-blooming philosopher.
Ygritte — Not taking the break-up with much dignity.
Jon Snow — Knows something about getting shot by his ex-girlfriend. Westeros is Florida.
Jaime Lannister — Home. I feel like we, as a group, have come to like Jaime Lannister this season. So we’re glad to see him back home with his girlfriend. On the other hand, his girlfriend is his sister and she is a seaward.
Stannis — He has two settings – quietly confused and loud and angrily confused.
Melisandre — Classic fortune teller bullshit. Her Fire God couldn’t tell her there was trouble coming from North of the Wall until Samwell Tarley sent a raven? Come on.
Dany — Dany is the only woman in all of the Seven Kingdoms who wears jeggings, yes?
Ser Jorah — He is equal parts, “I love you Khalessi. You are the best. Why doesn’t everyone love you!?” and “Why does everyone like her so much? This sucks. I distrust why anyone would like her even though she is so great. Why can’t she be all mine? I have indigestion.”
Anyway… It’s over for now. Nine months or so until Game of Thrones returns…