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NFL Pigskin Pigsplosion Preview Week 1

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NFL back!

So there is a new Dave & Buster’s in the area. I went to a Dave & Buster’s once. It was uninspiring and only memorable because I drove by the Palisades Center Mall and always see the sign. The point is, I plan on watching a slate of NFL football games at the new Dave & Buster’s location at some point this season. I am not particularly enamored with their $3.50 22-oz Bud and Coors Lights, but I feel like I need to do this. How could I possibly turn down an opportunity to drink at the mall for between four and eleven hours? Do they have Plinko? I hope they have Plinko. – CRM

TWERKSPLOSION

Pick’em’splosion
Last Season
CRM: Not as good as the other guy!
Lisk: Pretty good probably!

Arizona Cardinals v Denver BroncosThis Season
CRM: 0-1
Lisk: 0-1 because I thought Elway Manning would only throw 5 touchdowns.

Patriots (-10) @ BUFFALO
Lisk: Buffalo is 3-0 ATS in season openers against New England in the last decade. Tom Jackson thinks you now hate me, and I have already given up on trying to do real analysis [BILLS]

CRM: Buffalo wanted to sign Tebow to learn about the Patriots’ playbook, but that wouldn’t be very Christian. [BILLS]

Titans (+7) @ PITTSBURGH
Lisk: The Heinz Field surface will get an early workout from Jake Locker bounce passes [STEELERS]

CRM: I’m still scratching my head about the Steelers cutting Jonathan Dwyer. Of course, I wasn’t on House. [STILLERS]

Falcons (+3) @ NEW ORLEANS
Lisk: Rob Ryan combined with Bourbon Street. Who thought that was a good idea? [FALCONS]

CRM: Sean Payton is back! Matt Ryan is elite! [SAINTS]

dolphins-cheerleader (2)

Buccaneers (-3) @ NEW YORK JETS
Lisk: The Jets like to troll the rest of us. They will somehow go like two quarters without a first down but improbably win on a blocked punt. [JETS]

CRM: This is going to be so fun to watch. I mean, it will be painful, but the Jets being bad is fun. [BUCS]

Chiefs (-4) @ JACKSONVILLE
Lisk: The Chiefs have not been a road favorite of more than a field goal since December of 2006, when Herm Edwards was the coach and Larry Johnson was battering teams on his way to setting a rush attempt record. [JAGUARS]

Baltimore Ravens v Denver Broncos

CRM: Good for the Chiefs, bad for Lisk’s kids. An easy win in week 1 might spoil them. Great googly moogly. [CHIEFS]

Bengals (+3) @ CHICAGO
Lisk: Kyle Long and Geno Atkins possibly squaring off up front could be entertaining [BEARS]

CRM: Have you seen AJ Green’s shoes? How can the Bengals possibly lose when they look that sharp? [BENGALS]

Dolphins (+1) @ CLEVELAND
Lisk: I’m going to take the Browns to the Super Bowl. [BROWNS]

CRM: Everyone loves Cleveland a bit too much this year. It’s like the opposite everything. “None know our pain.” [BROWNS!]

Seahawks (-3.5) @ CAROLINA
Lisk: Luke Kuechly is really good. This is the game of the week for me, two talented front sevens, two mobile quarterbacks who can throw downfield. [PANTHERS]

CRM: The Seahawks must be really super good because I thought Pete Carroll was supposed to be a subpar coach. [SEAHAWKS]

Vikings (+5.5) @ DETROIT
Lisk: The winner gets to expunge one arrest from their team record. [LIONS]

CRM: It would be really cool if Purple Jesus continued his domination of the league. [VIKINGS]

Houston Texans v Dallas Cowboys

Raiders (+10) @ INDIANAPOLIS
Lisk: A strong autumn wind would be a two touchdown favorite against the Raiders [COLTS]

CRM: If Terrelle Pryor can be the starting quarterback, I fully expect a Lawrence Phillips resurgence this season in Oakland. [COLTS]

Cardinals (+4.5) @ ST. LOUIS
Lisk: The NFC West showdown every one has been talking about for months. [RAMS]

CRM: Carson Palmer’s career just hasn’t been the same since he was on Hard Knocks. [RAMS]

Packers (+4.5) @ SAN FRANCISCO
Lisk: Prediction: the Packers will tackle Colin Kaepernick at least once this game. [PACKERS]

CRM: New school versus old school quarterback! Embrace the debate! [PACKERS]

Pittsburgh Steelers v Washington Redskins

Giants (+3) @ DALLAS
Lisk: I want to try some of the Cowboy’s secret sauce. [COWBOYS]

CRM: I think there was someone named Tony Romo on Wipeout last night. I wasn’t really paying attention. [GIANTS]

Eagles (+3.5) @ WASHINGTON
Lisk: I look forward to fans of the Redskins getting on Riley Cooper for improperly using a racial epithet. [REDSKINS]

CRM: Does that mean there’s a proper way to use a racial epithet? [REDSKINS]

Lisk: Yes–

Texans (-4) @ SAN DIEGO
Lisk: We don’t have Norv Turner to kick around anymore. A bittersweet ending to the opening week. [CHARGERS]

CRM: You’ll notice we’re using more capital letters this season. That is not by design. [TEXANS]

DEEP PARENTING THOUGHTS FROM JASON LISK: Balloons are the Opiate of the Two Year Old Masses. Also, giving kids Sprite always seems like a good idea at the time, but it usually leads to parental regret.

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