We’re on record as being against a selection committee for a college football playoff. It makes final choices, but provides no conclusive value. It won’t be transparent. It won’t end the controversy. It’s just replacing a cloudy stew of formulas with a condensed version of the Harris Poll. SI’s mock committee illustrated that point. College football administrators, in essence, decided not to decide how to select four teams.
Since the committee will function (or not function) regardless of the membership, we figured it may as well be entertaining. Here would be our 15 men and women to select four teams to play for a national title.
Mike Bianchi: The Orlando Sentinel columnist brings nothing of real use to the table here. We just want to preclude the inevitable “Tim Tebow should be on the selection committee” column.
Dick Cheney: The committee needs a heel, a wildcard and a focal point for all message board conspiracy theories. Cheney is short on football background, but brings intangibles, including underhanded villainy, grimace-smirking and hunting accident potential. He will not wither in a conference room with Jim Delany.
Joey Harrington: Harrington can break down film. He can play the grand piano we presume will be in the back of the room. Nothing brings a cleft committee room together quite like an impromptu version of “Piano Man.”
Bobby Hebert: He has played football at both the college and professional level. He “knows what it’s like out there when you can’t get your breath and it’s 110 degrees and the coach asks you to go some more.” He’s also less biased than current athletic directors, who have department revenue and personal job bonuses at stake.
John Junker: This committee needs a token white, middle-aged football administrator. Junker has decades of experience evaluating teams to play in college football postseason events. He knows how to have a good time. There’s a reasonable chance he could be out of prison by the time the playoff comes around.
Chip Kelly: We would trust three coaches to offer authoritative evaluations based purely on accrued football knowledge. Urban Meyer and Nick Saban are coaching college football teams.
Cooper Manning: It’s not an official football venture unless a Manning family member is intimately involved. Peyton and Eli have encompassing day jobs. Archie has been out of the game for a bit too long. Congrats, Cooper.
Mike Mayock: This committee needs someone to reiterate the obvious. It needs someone to remind everyone about the potential NFL strengths and weaknesses of each team’s players. Because that is relevant. Sand in the pants.
Beth Mowins/Pam Ward: We include both, because they are indistinguishable to the casual fan (even if one is no longer covering college football). The committee needs a scapegoat, to attract undue criticism compared to her colleagues based on nothing more than rank sexism. One of those noon Big Ten games on ESPN2 may become relevant.
Brent Musburger: Because trust us. He will have done more than his fair share of homework on these teams. Wink wink. Nudge nudge. Say no more.
Samantha Ponder: Women can make college football decisions. Samantha Ponder will have the same degree of connection to college football that first season as David Pollack.
Greg Robinson: Don’t underestimate the gravitas offered by a striking, silver head of hair. He may insist on wearing a different color polo shirt, but accommodations can be made. Inclusion provides insurance against him coaching a defense.
Mike Rozier: He’s “a football guy.” He has devastating suit game.
Darius Rucker: Joey Harrington needs a duet partner. We can be reasonably sure he’s watching as many games as his schedule permits.
Kate Upton: Because print is dying and Sports Illustrated needs an excuse to sell some magazines, damn it.