Are you watching the World Series? Did you happen to notice the Red Sox players have beards? Crazy, right? The fact totally slipped my mind. If FOX didn’t remind us every few innings I never would have known!
The American Mustache Institute has certainly taken notice of the Sox facial hair prowess and filed this cease and desist letter to the Red Sox legal department.
We at the American Mustache Institute (AMI) applaud you and the Boston Red Sox for your extraordinary success in this 2013 Major League Baseball Season and wish you the best against the St. Louis Cardinals in what all of America hopes will be a competitive World Series matchup.
However, while each member of the Mustached American community appreciates your team’s harnessing of facial hair towards athletic excellence, your marketing of beardism violates the expressed federal trademark of AMI’s ownership of the Sexually Dynamic Mustached American Lifestyle, and in particular, our legal right to approve via “expressed written consent” of any use of said beardism or mustacheularity in marketing the Red Sox’s winning ways or merchandise.
Therefore, we have filed request for a temporary or permanent injunction, leading to the estoppal or cessation of said beardism-infringing activities in the court of Judge McKay Chauvin, Louisville Circuit Court, Division 8.
We are requesting a bench trial and have already filed a motion for summary judgment. Failing these two options, AMI along with the Walt Disney Reckoning Attribution Network and the Rev. Jerry Falwell, is prepared to fully-litigate this matter. This includes, if necessary, a full jury trial; and to this end we have retained counsel — the esteemed white-shoe firm of Dewey, Ahmadinejad & Houssein — in the aforementioned district.
We look forward to your response and cessation of these unsanctioned activities.
Jean Velue Doppelganger III, ESQ.
Chief Legal Affairs & Dance Coordination Coordinator
The American Mustache Institute
Whomever penned this deserves some plaudits for cooking up the law firm “Dewey, Ahmadinejad & Houssein.” That’s impressive work.
Although this is clearly a joke, somebody needs to stop the Sox and the beards. Or more specifically all the people talking about them.
That said, we should all follow the words of former World Beard Champion, Jack Passion, and embrace our own inner beard whatever shape it may manifest itself in.
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